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[00:02.600]00:00.00]English  as  a  Crazy  Language
[00:09.950]00:10.28]Let ’s  face  it —English  is  a  crazy  language.
[00:15.230]00:16.73]There  is  neither  egg  in  eggplant  nor  ham  in  hamburger;
[00:21.590]00:21.43]neither  apple  nor  pine  in  pineapple.
[00:23.850]00:24.71]English  muffins  weren ’t  invented  in  England  or  French  fries  in  France.
[00:30.280]00:30.41]Sweetmeats  are  candies  while  sweetbreads,which  aren ’t  sweet,are  meat.
[00:36.900]00:36.97]We  take  English  for  granted.
[00:39.650]00:39.81]But  if  we  explore  its  paradoxes,
[00:42.00]00:42.43]we  find  that  quicksand  can  work  slowly,
[00:46.430]00:45.61]boxing  rings  are  square  and  a  guinea  pig  is  neither  from  Guinea  nor  is  it  a  pig.
[00:53.600]00:52.39]If  the  plural  of  tooth  is  teeth,
[00:55.410]00:55.89]why  isn ’t  the  plural  of  booth  beeth?
[01:00.780]00:59.98]One  goose,two  geese.
[01:01.840]01:02.61]So  one  moose,two  meese?
[01:04.210]01:05.13]Doesn ’t  it  seem  crazy  that  you  can  make  amends  but  not  one  amend,
[01:09.770]01:11.14]that  you  comb  through  annals  of  history  but  not  a  single  annal?
[01:13.600]01:15.95]If  you  have  a  bunch  of  odds  and  ends  and  get  rid  of  all  but  one  of  them,
[01:22.210]01:21.53]what  do  you  call  it?
[01:24.650]01:23.28]Sometimes  I  think  all  the  English  speakers  should  be  committed  to  an  asylum
[01:28.590]01:29.50]for  the  verbally  insane.
[01:30.510]01:31.04]In  what  language  do  people  recite  at  a  play  and  play  at  a  recital?
[01:36.80]01:36.95]Ship  by  truck  and  send  cargo  by  ship?
[01:41.120]01:41.43]Have  noses  that  run  and  feet  that  smell?
[01:45.970]01:45.70]Park  on  driveways  and  drive  on  parkways?
[01:50.270]01:51.50]How  can  a  slim  chance  and  a  fat  chance  be  the  same,
[01:56.680]01:56.75]while  a  wise  man  and  wise  guy  are  opposite?
[02:01.860]02:01.67]How  can  the  weather  be  hot  as  hell  one  day  and  cold  as  hell  another?
[02:07.290]02:08.56]English  was  invented  by  people,not  computers,
[02:11.400]02:12.83]and  it  reflects  the  creativity  of  the  human  race.
[02:16.130]02:16.54]That  is  why,when  the  stars  are  out,they  are  visible,
[02:20.120]02:20.81]but  when  the  lights  are  out,they  are  invisible.
[02:23.680]02:24.31]And  why,when  I  wind  up  my  watch,I  start  it,
[02:29.300]02:28.58]but  when  I  wind  up  this  essay,I  end  it.