Do you worry that nobody likes you?
We'll provide you with friends.
Kifflom. I'm the honorable Chris Formage.
Covet your neighbor's ass no longer.
The Epsilon Program seeks out
the convenient bits from every faith to create
a religion that is uniquely American:
expensive, promiscuous, and entirely meaningless.
And unlike other major religions,
we only tithe 8.75 percent.
That means less for God, and more for you.
All you have to do is
read and understand the Epsilon Tract,
and the secrets of the Universe
will be open to you.
Just call 1-866-FUN-CULT.