[00:00.60]In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis
[00:02.43]Saw two of its all time brightest stars
[00:04.05]Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben
[00:06.47]Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesis
[00:08.76]His goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus
[00:11.18]So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length
[00:13.35]Giving Asparagus a much more plea sent presentation
[00:15.02]In the world's supermarket vegetable bins
[00:16.63]Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create
[00:19.00]The greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen
[00:20.87]Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble
[00:23.18]The right elements he could theoretically build
[00:24.68]A DNA structure that would ensure his creation
[00:25.93]Had talent far surpassing the average individual
[00:28.09]At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that
[00:30.16]Michael Jackson in an effort to retain his youthful look
[00:32.68]And feminine vocal characteristics, had his testicles surgically removed
[00:35.29]Thereby making him a modern day castrato
[00:36.95]If such a rumor were true
[00:38.88]Michael Jackson more that likely
[00:39.92]Would have had some of his semen preserved before the surgery
[00:42.40]To ensure his the future of his name and lineage
[00:44.75]Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker
[00:48.51]Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center
[00:50.24]That not only contained four containers of frozen semen
[00:52.95]But also held a pair of testicles
[00:54.75]Each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson"
[01:01.37]I once heard a noise
[01:02.99]In the night the most sensual voice
[01:05.40]A song of love from an eight year old boy
[01:08.27]Stuck in my head and this is what he said
[01:12.56]I am gopher boy
[01:15.24]Pondering reality
[01:17.80]I am gopher boy
[01:20.56]Who will buy my raspberries?
[01:23.28]This had to be the seed of the king of pop
[01:25.14]Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm
[01:27.21]And chiseled Greek feature to woo a young lab technician
[01:30.00]By the name of Jennifer
[01:31.00]Who of course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain
[01:33.73]A small vial of the precious semen
[01:35.15]The search for the egg was a short one
[01:37.28]Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad in the classified section
[01:39.52]Of an airline music magazine
[01:40.93]The ad read, wanted, unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment
[01:43.76]Donors must have musical background
[01:45.72]With a pleathera of young
[01:47.45]Eager wanna be music starlets willing to sell their eggs
[01:49.75]The two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased
[01:54.05]Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally
[01:56.77]If the fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non human
[01:59.28]He had long since secured the services of
[02:01.42]The University volleyball mascot
[02:02.63]A llama by the name of "Missy"
[02:04.24]When the baby was ready, the child was removed via cesarean
[02:07.22]It was a healthy baby boy, he was named Kevin
[02:09.68]I once heard a noise
[02:12.00]In the night the most sensual voice
[02:14.66]A song of love from an eight year old boy
[02:17.59]Stuck in my head and this is what he said
[02:22.17]I am gopher boy
[02:24.49]Pondering reality
[02:27.25]I am gopher boy
[02:30.02]Who will buy my raspberries?
[02:32.64]Kevin was a beautiful child
[02:33.85]Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was trained
[02:36.28]By the best in all aspects of performing
[02:38.24]His voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked
[02:41.33]He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three
[02:44.29]As Kevin grew in his talent
[02:45.92]Dr. Abesacraben started noticing odd developments in his physical state
[02:48.84]When Kevin lost his baby teeth
[02:50.60]His secondaries came in with a vengeance
[02:52.09]They were at least twice the size of a normal adult's
[02:54.65]And the two in front stuck nearly straight out
[02:55.96]Also as Kevin reached his eighth year
[02:58.23]He was the same height as he was when he was four
[03:00.39]To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous
[03:03.92]Even by adult standards
[03:05.33]It also dawned on the doctor that
[03:06.84]Even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing he rarely spoke
[03:10.13]Often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles
[03:18.28]I once heard a noise
[03:19.70]In the night the most sensual voice
[03:22.28]A song of love from an eight year old boy
[03:24.74]Stuck in my head and this is what he said
[03:29.13]I am gopher boy
[03:31.59]Pondering reality
[03:34.37]I am gopher boy
[03:37.13]Who will buy my raspberries?
[03:39.93]Others were noticing the changes in Kevin
[03:41.71]Children began to tease him, to call him "Gopher Boy"
[03:44.51]One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy"
[03:46.77]Started throwing bananas at him
[03:48.08]Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas
[03:49.96]Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy
[03:52.56]And bit three finger fingers off on his left hand
[03:54.62]Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state
[03:56.87]Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out
[03:58.78]But because there was no
[04:00.56]Legislation concerning the genetic instruction of another human being
[04:02.67]No criminal charges were brought forth
[04:04.38]The medical association's board of ethics
[04:06.28]Stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruined
[04:08.62]In fact, his name became so synonymous with failure
[04:11.00]That for years to come
[04:12.51]Medical students around the world
[04:13.68]Were known to say in times of mishaps
[04:15.01]"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben"
[04:16.93]Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin
[04:20.66]Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus
[04:23.43]It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son
[04:26.52]They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity
[04:29.03]Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words
[04:31.10]Sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles
[04:33.03]But on occasion, if you listen closely
[04:34.89]You can hear his sweet golden signing voice
[04:36.95]Ring out into the night over the town of South Park
[04:40.70]I am gopher boy
[04:45.04]Pondering reality
[04:49.33]I am gopher boy
[04:53.51]Who will buy my raspberries?