[00:00.00] 作曲 : Dane Cook
[00:02.10]I was talking to this girl the other day and she said
[00:04.35]"all guys want is sex"
[00:06.36]And i said "listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna talk about this... later"...
[00:19.47]That's a lie...
[00:23.91]I said it because it was funny
[00:26.97]She actually said that she goes "thats all guys, dane, is sex" and i said to her
[00:31.02]"nay..."
[00:34.92]I said "theres other things guys want besides sex. we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but im putting it out in the universe so you can respect us for who we are as men"
[00:46.89]For example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist!
[01:00.99]You know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i wanna do that!"
[01:05.88]You just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47...
[01:07.74]Pffffpffffpffff
[01:08.04]WHERE'S THE VAN?
[01:08.46]Pffffpffff
[01:08.67]THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
[01:17.49]Pffffff
[01:17.58]We want that guy whos on a computer and is like
[01:19.32]"give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i need one more minute to hack into the mainframe
[01:25.17]Im in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a minute...
[01:29.16]WHERE'S THE ****ING VAN! pfffff
[01:36.03]Theres always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but one of the guys vouches for him
[01:43.71]"no no dude trust me this guys cool
[01:46.47]Hes solid and hes cool"
[01:48.72]But hes not cool is he?
[01:55.05]He doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might be like
[01:59.10]"let's kill these bitches"
[02:06.87]I wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in the back of my leg...
[02:10.56]Pow "OW shit!"
[02:12.75]It stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool
[02:16.35]I keep looking at the blood going
[02:17.37]No no no no... bleeding from the leg
[02:21.48]WHERES THE VAN!?
[02:29.13]We wanna be a part of a heist and than there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to have
[02:35.70]A monkey
[02:38.43]A pet monkey
[02:41.67]And people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i'd love to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey person in the area
[02:47.19]They over hear you "excuse me i heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey"
[02:55.26]Theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey
[02:58.86]" let me tell you a few things
[02:59.67]Can i just have a minute can i have a minute
[03:00.75]Can i just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion?
[03:06.36]Ok?
[03:06.69]Its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushes
[03:09.03]Ok?
[03:15.48]First of all they crap in their own hands and they throw it around in a festive manner
[03:20.16]Like theyre at a celebration of monkey poop and
[03:23.76]They make faces that are unacceptable in society..."
[03:27.51]I hear these things and im like
[03:28.83]Thats why i want a monkey all those reasons!
[03:31.20]I dont want a nice quiet monkey
[03:32.79]I want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with him inside my place...
[03:39.87]How pumped would you be driving home from work knowing someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna battle!
[03:44.34]Thats awesome!
[03:49.65]You walk in
[03:50.55]Ahhh... monkey? you here?
[03:55.62]...ahhhh...
[03:55.71]Where are you?...
[03:56.31]Im in your closet!...
[03:58.74]Holy shit you just talked!...
[04:00.03]I taught myself to talk!...
[04:02.55]This is incredibly odd!
[04:03.84]I know lets fight!...
[04:05.79]Ok...
[04:08.91]This would be the ultimate what if after the heist you jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van
[04:13.62]"GET IN! WE GOTTA GO!
[04:17.31]WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!...
[04:30.18]Makes me sad cuz i know it'll never happen...