作曲 : Frank Wilder/1864
 I wanted much to go to war,
 And went to be examined;
 The surgeon looked me o'er and o'er,
 My back and chest he hammered.
 Said he, "You're not the man for me,
 Your lungs Are much affected,
 And likewise both your eyes are cock'd,
 And otherwise defected."
 So, now I'm with the Invalids,
 And cannot go and fight, sir!
 The doctor told me so, you know,
 Of course it must be right, sir!
 While I was there a host of chaps
 For reasons were exempted,
 Old "pursy", he was laid aside,
 To pass he had attempted.
 The doctor said, "I do not like
 Your corporosity, sir!
 You'll "breed a famine" in the camp
 Wherever you might be, sir!"
 So, now I'm with the Invalids,
 And cannot go and fight, sir!
 The doctor told me so, you know,
 Of course it must be right, sir
 There came a fellow, mighty tall,
 A "knock-kneed overgrowner",
 The Doctor said, "I ain't got time
 To take and look you over."
 Next came along a little chap,
 Who was 'bout two foot nothing,
 The Doctor said, "You'd better go
 And tell your marm you're coming!"
 So, now I'm with the Invalids,
 And cannot go and fight, sir!
 The doctor told me so, you know,
 Of course it must be right, sir
 Some had the ticerdolerreou,
 Some what they call "brown critters",
 And some were "lank and lazy" too,
 Some were too "fond of bitters".
 Some had "cork legs" and some "one eye",
 With backs deformed and crooked,
 I'll bet you'd laugh'd till you had cried,
 To see how "cute" they looked.
 So, now I'm with the Invalids,
 And cannot go and fight, sir!
 The doctor told me so, you know,
 Of course it must be right, sir