作词 : Katharine Neil
 作曲 : Andrea Boccadoro
Humphrey Bell! Who is this comely youth?
Mayhap a little shy
But pleasing to the eye
His eyes, his hair, his shapely form, forsooth.
Has he a sweetheart? Pray tell us the truth.
Humphrey Bell! To play a leading dame
You must pay the price
Of looking thin and nice
Drink of your fear! Feast on your guilt and shame!
Lest you be judged and we accord you blame.
Humphrey Bell! Art is its own reward
For is it not enough
To be by fans adored?
For you, we sigh, we weep, we drool and swoon
When we see you entering the room
Humphrey Bell! You must not take so ill
For though your beauty does fade
We do adore you still
Our eyes so wide! Our thoughts so unrefined!
At the sight of your shapely behind
Humphrey Bell! Your time upon the stage
Grows nearer to its end
As you advance in age
But hold! No tears! Calm down! Resign your fears!
You're just too old to earn a living wage.
Humphrey Bell! Our thoughts we must disclose
Though your acting is fine
You have too many clothes
‘Tis hot! Pray bide! Fuss not! Sit down! Recline!
Upon this couch and take a little wine