I know a fat old policeman
 He's always on our street
 A fat and jolly red-faced man
 He really is a treat
 
 He's too kind for a policeman
 He's never known to frown
 And everybody says
 He is the happiest man in town!
 
 He laughs upon point duty
 He laughs upon his beat
 He laughs at everybody
 When he's walking in the street
 
 He never can stop laughing
 He says he's never tried
 But once he did arrest a man
 And laughed until he cried!
 
 His jolly face is wrinkled
 And then he shut his eyes
 He opened his great big mouth
 It was a wonderous size!
 
 He said: "I must arrest you!"
 He didn't know what for
 And then he started laughing
 Until he cracked his jaw!
 
 So if you chance to meet him
 While walking 'round the town
 Shake him by his fat ol' hand
 And give him half a crown
 
 His eyes will beam and sparkle
 He'll gurgle with delight
 And then you'll start him laughing
 With all his blessed might!