[00:01.-1]Mother,just once, can we go to lunch...
[00:09.-4]Or who I'm dating.
[01:39.-1]Still,it's just such reckless spending.
[05:05.-1]Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. “
[15:02.-4]Hey,how about Joey Heatherton?
[18:10.-2]I'm not just the person who fluffs the pillows...
[18:16.-2]You know,when I'm with her, I'm so much more than that.
[00:03.88]...and not talk about what I'm wearing or where my career is going?
[00:11.89]-Ready for the check? -God,yes. -
[00:14.09]-I'll take it. -No,darling.
[00:16.13]I said I'll take it. Here,take it. Go. Run.
[00:22.43]Very sweet.
[00:23.90]-And on what they pay you -Career. -
[00:27.67]You don't have to worry about me. I'm doing fine.
[00:31.44]I'm afraid this has been denied.
[00:34.25]That's impossible.
[00:36.01]That's all right,dear. Here you go.
[00:41.65]The One With The Fake Monica
[01:29.93]How'd someone get your card number?
[01:32.44]No idea. Look how much they spent.
[01:35.01]You only have to pay for the stuff you bought.
[01:41.91]When somebody steals...
[01:44.08]...they've already thrown caution to the wind.
[01:49.02]Wow,what a geek. They spent $69. 95 on a Wonder Mop.
[01:55.49]That's me.
[01:59.83]You see,when I say geek,I mean
[02:03.07]The hell with it,you bought a $70 mop,you're a geek.
[02:08.04]Oh,yuck. Ross,he's doing it again.
[02:12.31]Marcel,stop humping the lamp.
[02:14.61]Stop humping. Now,Marcel,come Come here,Marcel.
[02:18.48]Oh,no. Not in my room. I'll get him.
[02:21.49]You've got to do something about that.
[02:24.19]What? It's just a phase.
[02:26.69]Well,that's what we said about Joey.
[02:31.10]You'd think you would be more understanding.
[02:34.33]I know. But we're not.
[02:36.73]Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
[02:40.04]-Marcel,stop it. Marcel. Bad monkey. -What?
[02:44.31]Let's say my Curious George is no longer curious.
[02:56.19]You are not still going over that thing.
[02:59.26]-This woman's living my life. -What? -
[03:02.66]She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me.
[03:06.76]Look at this. Look. She buys tickets to plays I wanna see.
[03:11.70]She shops where I'm afraid of the salespeople.
[03:15.47]-She spent $300 on art supplies. -You're not an artist. -
[03:19.48]I might be if I had the supplies.
[03:23.45]I mean,I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
[03:28.05]Oh,Monica,come on. You do cool things.
[03:30.72]Really? Let's compare,shall we?
[03:33.22]Oh,it's so late for "shall we."
[03:37.23]Do I horseback ride in the park?
[03:39.63]-Do I take classes at the New School? -No. -
[03:44.44]She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
[03:57.65]-How about Joey Paponi? -No,still too ethnic. -
[04:02.00]-My agent wants a more neutral name. -Joey Switzerland? -
[04:11.33]Plus,I think it should be Joe. Joey makes me sound like I'm this big:
[04:17.24]Which I'm not.
[04:20.94]Joe,Joe,Joe Stalin?
[04:26.08]Stalin.
[04:28.51]Do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
[04:31.28]Well,it does not ring a bell with me.
[04:34.92]But you're more plugged into that show business thing.
[04:38.72]Joe Stalin.
[04:44.06]You know,that's pretty good.
[04:46.56]You might wanna try Joseph.
[04:55.04]Joseph Stalin.
[04:58.08]-I think you'd remember that. -Yes. -
[05:02.11]Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. “
[05:21.67]Hi. Yes,this is Monica Geller.
[05:24.47]I'm taking some classes with you, and I was wondering what they were.
[05:30.11]I've had a recent head injury and certain numbers
[05:34.35]Barbecue. Oh,did l? See,there you go.
[05:41.19]-What are you doing? -All right,great. -
[05:44.46]Great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class.
[05:48.59]To dance with the woman that stole your card?
[05:51.93]To see what she looks like.
[05:53.90]I'm sure her picture's up at the post office.
[05:56.77]I should get to see who she is.
[05:59.50]You're kind of losing it here. This is becoming a weird obsession.
[06:04.68]This is madness,I tell you.
[06:07.08]For the love of God,Monica, don't do it.
[06:12.82]Thank you.
[06:22.00]-What do you think? -Lots of things. -
[06:26.76]-Which one is she? -May I help you? -
[06:29.30]No,thanks. We're just here to observe.
[06:32.34]You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class.
[06:36.44]Spare shoes are over there.
[06:41.05]What does she mean?
[06:42.48]I think she means "You dance a dance class."
[06:46.42]-Come on,come on,come on. -Really?
[06:50.42]Do you see anybody you think could be me?
[06:53.26]Last time there were yogurt containers lying around after class.
[06:58.16]-Let's not have that happen again. -She could be you. -
[07:07.21]Let's get started.
[07:09.17]Five,six. Five,six,seven,eight.
[07:17.68]-Okay,I'm not getting this. -I'm totally getting it. -
[07:27.00]Do you ever feel like you're so uncoordinated?
[07:38.64]What? You click when they click.
[07:42.61]All right,everyone grab a partner.
[07:46.94]All right. And my dead mother said you are it. I'm with Rachel.
[07:52.45]Great,it's gym class all over again.
[07:57.29]You can come up to the front and dance with me.
[08:01.93]Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare?
[08:10.67]It's okay,it's okay. I'm here, I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late.
[08:15.47]Okay,here I am. So who's the new tense girl?
[08:19.91]-She's your partner. -Hi,I'm Monica. -
[08:24.88]Oh,Monica.
[08:28.72]Hi,I'm Mon
[08:30.46]-Nana. -Monana. -…
[08:34.79]-It's Dutch. -You're kidding. -
[08:36.93]I spent three years in Amsterdam.
[08:43.10]Pennsylvania Dutch.
[08:46.64]And we're dancing. Five,six,seven,eight.
[08:58.08]Hi.
[09:01.39]-Hey. Where have you been? -I just got back from the vet. -
[09:06.42]She's not gonna make you wear a big plastic cone?
[09:13.10]She says Marcel's humping is not a phase.
[09:16.37]Apparently,he's reached sexual maturity.
[09:20.47]Hey,he beat you.
[09:26.28]She says,as time goes on, he's gonna start getting violent.
[09:31.75]So,what does this mean?
[09:35.35]I have to give him up.
[09:51.50]I can't believe it. This sucks.
[09:54.64]You just got him. How could he be an adult already?
[09:58.34]I know. One day he's this little thing...
[10:01.68]...and then he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
[10:08.75]Isn't there any way to keep him?
[10:11.39]No. The vet said unless he's in a place...
[10:14.53]...where he has regular access... …
[10:17.76]...to some monkey loving... …
[10:20.93]... he's just gonna get vicious. …
[10:23.30]I just gotta get him into a zoo.
[10:27.87]-How do you get a monkey into a zoo? -I know. -
[10:35.11]No,that's popes into a Vokswagen.
[10:39.78]We're applying to a lot. Our first choice would be a big state zoo.
[10:44.86]You know,like San Diego. Right?
[10:49.59]But that may just be a pipe dream. He's out-of-state.
[10:55.90]My vet knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
[11:00.47]But that's two blocks from the beach. It's a total party zoo.
[11:10.58]We found the girl.
[11:12.42]-Did you call the cops? -We took her to lunch. -
[11:15.55]Oh,your own brand of vigilante justice.
[11:19.56]Are you insane? This woman stole from you.
[11:22.93]She stole. She's a stealer.
[11:26.33]After you're with this woman for 10 minutes,you forget that.
[11:31.34]I mean,she's this astounding person with this amazing spirit.
[11:36.27]Which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
[11:41.85]-Take off their hats. -Popes in a Vokswagen. -
[11:47.59]I love that joke.
[11:53.06]-No way. No way did you do this. -Monana was very brave. -
[11:58.63]We told them we were the Gundersons in room 61 5...
[12:02.90]...only to find out the Boston Celtics had the entire floor.
[12:07.24]When they saw that we're short and have breasts....
[12:11.38]They threw us out. I was thrown out of a hotel. Me.
[12:15.78]Go,Monana.
[12:19.22]You ladies are not the only ones living the dream.
[12:23.09]I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
[12:30.06]Oh,by the way...
[12:31.56]...tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
[12:36.27]-Excuse me? -There's an open call for Cats.
[12:39.34]I'm thinking we sing "Memories"...
[12:42.31]...and make complete fools of ourselves. What do you say?
[12:46.81]No,no,no. Remember who you're dealing with here.
[12:51.32]I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
[12:54.75]That's because of your Amish background.
[12:59.22]-What? -You're Pennsylvania Dutch,right? -
[13:02.16]Right. Till I bought a blow dryer. Then I was shunned.
[13:08.63]I was just like you. And then,one day, I saw a movie that changed my life.
[13:14.77]Did you ever see Dead Poets Society?
[13:17.48]I thought that movie was so incredibly boring.
[13:23.08]That thing at the end where the kid...
[13:25.92]...kills himself because he can't be in the play? …
[13:30.12]It's like,"Kid,wait a year. Leave home,do some community theater."
[13:37.13]I thought,"That's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back."
[13:43.57]That scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
[13:48.27]Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
[13:59.45]Oh,God.
[14:02.59]We didn't get into Scranton.
[14:06.92]That was,like,our safety zoo.
[14:10.66]They take,like,dogs and cows.
[14:16.17]See,I don't know who this is harder on,me or him.
[14:21.64]I'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it.
[14:26.94]Marcel. Marcel. Marcel,no.
[14:31.68]Good boy. See? How can nobody want him?
[14:35.79]Somebody will.
[14:40.62]You know,there already is a Joseph Stalin.
[14:48.53]You're kidding.
[14:51.10]Apparently,he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered people.
[14:57.17]-You'd think you would've known that. -You'd think I would've. -
[15:06.15]Come on,I told you I don't wanna go back to Joey.
[15:13.62]What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
[15:19.53]Flame Boy.
[15:28.51]Where exactly is your zoo?
[15:30.44]Well,it's technically not a zoo,per se.
[15:33.34]It's more of an interactive wildlife experience.
[15:37.65]Let me ask you some questions about Marcel.
[15:41.85]-Does he fight with other animals? -No,no. He's very docile. -
[15:47.59]Even if he were cornered?
[15:53.16]Well,I don't know. Why?
[15:55.77]How is he at handling small objects?
[16:00.04]He can hold a banana, if that's what you mean.
[16:04.07]What about a hammer or a small blade?
[16:10.45]Why would he need a blade?
[16:13.52]If he's up against an animal with horns...
[16:16.59]...you got to give him something.
[16:19.12]Otherwise,it's just cruel.
[16:24.19]-He got into San Diego. -What? -
[16:27.73]We came back from our walk. The phone was ringing....
[16:31.40]He's in.
[16:32.64]Did you hear that,Marcel? San Diego. San Diego.
[16:38.18]You're making a mistake. San Diego's good...
[16:41.38]... but I'll start him off against a blind rabbit...
[16:45.08]...and give you 20% of the gate.
[17:08.31]Where have you been?
[17:09.84]Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.
[17:14.04]I think I kissed an archbishop.
[17:18.38]But,of course, it could've been a chef.
[17:23.05]-Are you drunk? -No. -
[17:31.16]-I'm lying. I am so drunk. -Oh,God. -
[17:36.60]You know what? You could've called.
[17:39.20]I've been worried Monica.
[17:48.05]Water rules.
[17:53.18]Yes. Yes,it does.
[17:55.35]The restaurant called. They wanna know if you're showing up for work.
[17:59.89]Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.
[18:04.09]You're gonna lose your job. This is not you.
[18:08.17]No,it is me.
[18:13.54]...and pays the bills right away.
[18:23.71]I'm Monana.
[18:31.72]Hello? Yes,she is. Hold on a second please.
[18:36.33]Monana,it's for you. The credit card people.
[18:41.77]Hello.
[18:45.37]Yes?
[18:48.04]Oh,my God.
[18:50.91]-Thanks. -What?
[18:55.21]They've arrested Monica.
[19:08.23]-Hi. -Hi.
[19:10.63]How are you?
[19:12.46]Not too bad. Fortunately,blue's my color.
[19:16.47]How did you know I was here?
[19:19.84]Because I'm Monica Geller.
[19:25.11]It was my credit card you were using.
[19:28.01]That I was not expecting.
[19:30.48]I want you to know, I didn't turn you in.
[19:35.22]-Thanks. -No,thank you. -
[19:38.26]You have given me so much.
[19:40.69]I'd never have gotten to sing...
[19:43.13]... "Memories" at the Winter Garden Theater. …
[19:46.00]Actually,you only got to sing "Memo"
[19:50.50]I can't believe you're here. What will I do without you?
[19:54.64]Who's gonna crash parties with me?
[19:57.31]Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
[20:00.34]I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women...
[20:04.75]...and you're worried about who'll take you to the circus?
[20:10.25]Well,not worried, you know,just wondering.
[20:14.12]There's nothing to wonder about.
[20:16.83]You'll go back to being who you were. That's who you are.
[20:21.10]-Not necessarily. -Yes,necessarily. -
[20:23.70]I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the Amish thing.
[20:30.71]-I'm not actually Amish. -Really? Then why are you like that? -
[20:51.70]-You,by the door,in or out? -ln. -
[21:01.81]-You're getting it all wrong. -But at least I'm doing it. -
[21:20.66]This is the final boarding call for Flight 67...
[21:24.73]... to San Diego at gate 42A.
[21:27.16]Okay,goodbye,little monkey guy. All right,I wrote you this poem.
[21:33.07]Okay,but don't eat it till you get on the plane.
[21:36.41]Thank you,Aunt Phoebe.
[21:42.38]Okay,bye,champ.
[21:44.88]There'll be a lot of babes in San Diego...
[21:48.00]... but remember, there's also a lot to learn.
[21:57.36]I don't know what to say,Ross. It's a monkey.
[22:01.06]Just say what you feel,Joey.
[22:05.54]-Marcel,I'm hungry. -That was good. -
[22:12.31]Marcel,this is for you.
[22:15.01]It's just,you know,something...
[22:19.68]...to do on the plane.
[22:24.12]If you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone.
[22:27.59]-Oh,sure. Absolutely. -Go ahead.
[22:35.53]Marcel,come here. Come here. Come here.
[22:40.24]Well,buddy...
[22:43.94]...this is it.
[22:45.81]Just a couple of things I wanted to say.
[22:50.11]I'm really gonna miss you.
[22:53.05]You know,I'm never gonna forget about you.
[22:56.09]You've been more than just a pet to me.
[23:01.19]You've been more like a Okay. Marcel.
[23:05.50]Would you leave my leg alone?
[23:08.03]Would you stop humping me for two seconds?
[23:11.34]Okay,would you just take him away? Just take him.
[23:37.56]Oh,that I were a glove upon that hand...
[23:41.53]...that I might touch thy cheek.
[23:45.17]-That's fine. Thank you. -Next.
[23:53.74]I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
[23:56.65]-Name? -Holden McGroin. -