[00:02.510]Chandler,Mon,there's only one banana-nut muffin left.
[00:05.920]I ordered mine first.
[00:07.350]Yeah,but I'm so much faster.
[00:10.820]Give it to me.
[00:12.220]No.
[00:13.690]Give it to me!
[00:15.730]Okay,you can have it.
[00:25.400]There you go. Enjoy your coffee.
[00:28.910]That was there when I got here.
[00:33.910]Hey,you'll never guess who's coming to New York.
[00:37.750]Quick,tell us before he swallows.
[00:40.250]Ryan,that guy I dated who's in the Navy.
[00:46.290]I met him while playing guitar in the park.
[00:52.500]Is that when you wrote "Saltwater Taffy Man"?
[00:57.500]No,he's my submarine guy. He resurfaces every couple years...
[01:01.470]...and we have an amazing three days together. …
[01:04.340]Only this time,he's coming for 2 weeks. Two whole weeks,which means "yea"!
[01:10.780]So this guy goes down for,like,two years at a time?
[01:17.490]That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
[01:24.160]Hi.
[01:26.360]Oh,no. What happened?
[01:27.800]I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got chickenpox.
[01:30.470]Oh,no.
[01:31.670]Yeah,so if you haven't had it, chances are you'll get it.
[01:35.210]-I've had it. -I've had it.
[01:37.140]-Had it. -Had it.
[01:38.340]I've never had it. I feel so left out. Oh,look!
[01:45.380]The One With the Chicken Pox
[01:55.870]
[02:35.770]Honey,you made the bed again.
[02:38.740]I told you,you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
[02:42.210]Then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for.
[02:47.880]I'm taking a shower. Today I'll sing Jim Croce's "Leroy Brown."
[03:04.560]Hey,Mon,I have a question.
[03:07.300]Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town...
[03:10.440]...or the fattest man? …
[03:13.400]The baddest. Otherwise,the song would be "Fat,Fat Leroy Brown."
[03:18.340]What are you doing?
[03:21.250]I'm just waiting for you,sweetie.
[03:26.580]Are you remaking the bed?
[03:29.490]I'm sorry. The way you did it, it was just fine.
[03:32.920]Then you're redoing it because...?
[03:35.530]You'll think I'm crazy.
[03:37.430]You're pretty much running that risk either way.
[03:42.030]Okay. You see...
[03:44.540]...the duvet tag shouldn't be at the top left corner... …
[03:47.710]...it should be at the bottom right corner. …
[03:51.280]-That's not so crazy. -I'm just easing you in.
[03:54.550]All right.
[03:56.310]You see these little flower blossoms?
[03:58.650]They should be facing up not down...
[04:00.890]...because the head of the bed is where the sun would be. …
[04:08.390]You don't love me anymore,do you?
[04:12.560]Actually,if it's possible, I love you more.
[04:16.330]Really?
[04:19.240]Wow. Well,then,come on!
[04:21.540]I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
[04:29.150]If you need something to hold you over...
[04:31.380]...I can get you a job here as an entry-level processor. …
[04:34.490]Don't you need experience?
[04:36.550]It's not hard to learn.
[04:38.160]As for people realizing you don't know what you're doing,you're an actor.
[04:42.090]Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.
[04:47.000]Here's this morning's projections.
[04:49.530]Thanks. Scott Alexander,Joey Tribbiani.
[04:52.570]Joey is a fellow processor.
[04:55.870]No kidding?
[05:00.880]I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.
[05:06.120]-Where do you work? -Well,I'm in between things.
[05:09.620]You know,one day you're processing, the next day...
[05:13.190]...you're not so much processing anymore. …
[05:16.130]I told Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.
[05:18.800]Fleischman's group.
[05:20.630]Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches.
[05:26.940]Are all you processors dorks?
[05:35.210]This lipstick looks just great on you.
[05:38.580]You look fabulous. You really do.
[05:40.790]Yeah,are you sure? Really?
[05:45.490]See,you look beautiful. For God sakes,dim the lights.
[05:50.930]I'm hideous!
[05:52.630]It's gonna be okay.
[05:54.270]Ryan's been underwater.
[05:56.000]He's just gonna be glad you don't have barnacles on your butt.
[06:12.180]Come in.
[06:14.590]Hey,baby,I'm back
[06:16.320]Hey,Ryan. What's up?
[06:21.090]What's going on?
[06:22.330]No,no. You have to stay back.
[06:25.330]I have the pox!
[06:29.500]Chicken or small?
[06:40.880]Please tell me you have,because oh,my God,I forgot how cute you are.
[06:46.350]I'm sorry,I never had them.
[06:50.860]If I had one wish, I'd go back to when I was 7...
[06:54.530]...when Jimmy Hauser had chickenpox, and rub that kid all over my face. …
[06:59.630]Yeah,or you could wish that I didn't have them now.
[07:03.530]Can I see your face?
[07:05.000]No. You don't wanna see a face covered with pox.
[07:08.040]It could be lox,I wouldn't care.
[07:11.710]And you hate fish.
[07:15.380]So sweet. All right.
[07:17.350]Okay,all right. You can see.
[07:20.490]This is me.
[07:27.260]Sorry!
[07:29.230]I am scary!
[07:30.700]The lightening was an unfortunate coincidence.
[07:35.370]You look lovely! Lovely!
[07:37.540]I hate this.
[07:39.270]I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us.
[07:42.540]And everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
[07:53.280]...thinking about this moment. …
[07:56.050]I am not gonna let a bunch...
[07:58.760]...of itchy spots stand between us. …
[08:08.400]Okay. This is the most romantic disease I've ever had.
[08:18.640]-How's the first day? -Good. It's like you said.
[08:21.550]It's putting numbers from one column into another.
[08:24.720]There you go.
[08:34.660]Turns out our kids go to the same school.
[08:40.330]Yeah. Small world,huh?
[08:43.470]Weird world.
[08:45.870]Your kids?
[08:47.170]I figure my character has kids.
[08:55.410]When you're acting,you need to think about that stuff.
[08:58.620]My character, Joseph the processing guy...
[09:02.120]... has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. …
[09:06.920]Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
[09:14.830]Well,invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
[09:19.540]You know,Joseph and his wife,Karen, are thinking of having a third kid.
[09:24.210]You know what?
[09:26.340]Just did.
[09:29.010]That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.
[09:43.430]IKnow what makes the itching worse?
[09:45.830]That you don't stop talking about it?
[09:49.570]-Fine. -Let's just play,okay?
[09:52.570]Good,okay.
[09:53.870]Here we go,double sixes.
[09:56.410]Here we go....
[09:59.740]Here we go....
[10:04.780]What are you doing? Are you scratching?
[10:07.120]No. This is what I do for luck,okay?
[10:11.020]You're scratching.
[10:12.690]Give me the dice.
[10:14.090]-Give me the dice. -No! Here. There!
[10:16.860]Look,double sixes!
[10:19.900]We can't scratch. We'll scar.
[10:22.530]I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard.
[10:26.470]I wanna grab these houses and rub them all over my body.
[10:30.040]-No! -Give it!
[10:31.810]Come on!
[10:33.310]You know you want it. You know you want it too.
[10:36.250]Let's just be bad. It'll feel so good.
[10:41.720]Oh,God,help me.
[10:45.460]-Oh,yeah. -Okay,good. Now do me.
[10:47.630]Do my back. Oh,come on. Harder!
[10:50.660]There you go.
[10:51.800]-Don't move. -Why?
[10:52.930]-Don't move. -What are you...?
[10:59.100]Stop that. Stop that right now.
[11:01.910]I might've expected this of Phoebe. But,Ryan,you're a military man.
[11:10.620]You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Bring the kids.
[11:14.590]We'll make a day of it.
[11:16.250]That sounds lovely. We'll have to set it up.
[11:19.160]I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.
[11:22.090]Thanks.
[11:24.000]-Bye-bye,Jeannie. -Bye-bye,Joseph.
[11:26.760]What a phony.
[11:31.300]You'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing.
[11:36.440]-Hey,Mr. Douglas. -Sir.
[11:38.380]Bing,I got your memo. We're not gonna see the report until next Friday?
[11:45.850]I have a family. I'm gonna be here.
[11:48.850]Yeah,Bing. What's that about?
[11:56.000]It's about cutting them a little slack for morale.
[11:59.330]Look,I can get some rough numbers by Wednesday.
[12:02.370]Rough numbers?
[12:05.500]This company wasn't built on rough numbers. Right,Mr. Douglas?
[12:10.140]Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
[12:13.180]If you say so,sir.
[12:16.080]Joseph's good,isn't he?
[12:20.250]I'm going to kill you.
[12:23.020]Hey,I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up.
[12:27.660]You know,get in there, ruffle some feathers.
[12:32.100]Why?
[12:35.270]Look,I'm sorry, but that's what Joseph does.
[12:39.040]Okay? If you try to pull something...
[12:41.510]... he'll call you on it. …
[12:43.670]"What are you trying to pull?" he'll say.
[12:51.580]Duct tape.
[12:56.390]This is for the scratchy twins. I taped oven mitts to their hands.
[13:01.430]You're strict.
[13:03.090]Well,it's for their own good.
[13:05.200]You know,I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under.
[13:10.030]See,in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.
[13:15.770]Exactly!
[13:18.080]God,I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now.
[13:22.810]Tell me the truth.
[13:24.080]Don't you like having everything on your desk perpendicular?
[13:27.490]If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
[13:31.590]-Very good. -Thank you.
[13:32.920]Tomorrow,I'm gonna do your clocks.
[13:36.560]You're gonna do what to my clocks?
[13:38.730]Set them to my time.
[13:42.670]I'm confused.
[13:47.100]No. See,in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast.
[13:51.680]Wanna know why?
[13:52.810]Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?
[13:57.520]Forget it.
[13:58.750]No,come on,tell me.
[14:00.280]-You don't understand. -Come on.
[14:02.290]You don't have any obsessive things.
[14:04.520]No,that's not true.
[14:06.590]Oh,yeah? Tell me one of yours.
[14:15.670]One of my things is I always separate my sweat socks...
[14:20.470]...from my dress socks. …
[14:25.810]What if they get mixed up?
[14:27.550]Boy,I would just....
[14:30.550]I would freak out.
[14:34.020]You would not.
[14:35.720]I can't believe this. I hate this. You're too normal.
[14:39.520]I can't believe you don't have a "thing."
[14:41.830]My boyfriend doesn't have a "thing."
[14:44.630]See,if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.
[14:57.070]-Mr. Douglas is looking for you. -Why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?
[15:02.580]He suspects you dropped the ball on the Lender project.
[15:07.020]Why? Why does he suspect that?
[15:10.690]At first,he thought it was Joseph...
[15:13.220]...but after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. …
[15:18.830]-Anyway,I thought you should know. -All right. That's it.
[15:22.500]Look,Joey...
[15:24.000]... I realize this is the role of a lifetime for you... …
[15:27.070]...and if I could just fire Joseph, I would. But that's not possible. …
[15:31.440]So I have to let you both go.
[15:35.250]What? Everybody loves Joseph.
[15:37.510]I don't. I hate Joseph.
[15:40.890]I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.
[15:45.520]You can't fire Joseph. He's not in your department.
[15:53.900]All right,okay. So I can't fire Joseph...
[15:57.770]... but I can sleep with his wife. …
[16:02.940]Not Karen!
[16:04.110]Yeah,I'm thinking about having an affair with her.
[16:07.610]You know what?
[16:09.650]I just did.
[16:14.080]What the hell are you doing?
[16:16.050]Oh,it's not me.
[16:17.550]It's my character!
[16:19.820]Chandie.
[16:22.160]The rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives...
[16:25.660]...and then laughs about it. …
[16:27.900]In fact,I have her panties right there in my drawer!
[16:31.570]-Really? -No,freak show,she's fictional!
[16:35.640]Take it easy.
[16:37.240]If it means that much to you, I'll go find something else.
[16:42.650]Thank you.
[16:45.820]It's just that I'm gonna miss Joseph.
[16:50.000]I liked him. His wife.
[16:52.490]She was hot.
[16:58.760]Please take these off. I swear I won't scratch.
[17:01.670]No,sorry,hon. Monica's orders.
[17:05.800]Well,that wasn't easy.
[17:09.270]Okay,dinner's on.
[17:11.840]There's a peach cobbler warming in the oven.
[17:14.310]So the plate's gonna be hot,but that shouldn't be a problem for you.
[17:20.180]All right,you kids. Bye,now.
[17:22.290]-Bye. -Oh,look,look.
[17:24.320]A low-budget puppet show.
[17:28.330]A shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.
[17:35.830]-Wine? -Please.
[17:47.850]-Spilled some. -I got it.
[18:01.930]You look beautiful tonight.
[18:04.500]What?
[18:07.430]Sorry.
[18:11.570]You look beautiful.
[18:29.750]You know what? That's it. That's it.
[18:40.130]Oh,yes.
[18:43.430]Good.
[18:50.040]You guys,did you?
[19:01.250]Monica...
[19:02.320]...wake up. …
[19:04.720]What's up?
[19:06.160]I thought of a thing.
[19:11.860]Yeah?
[19:14.470]I have to sleep,have to, on this side of the bed.
[19:20.640]No. You have to sleep on this side of the bed...
[19:23.910]... because I have to sleep on this side of the bed. …
[19:28.750]Or so I would have you believe.
[19:34.620]So you have a side of the bed. Everybody has a side of the bed.
[19:38.690]Hey,come on. You haven't heard my reason yet.
[19:42.000]All right,go on.
[19:45.100]I have to sleep on the west side...
[19:47.600]... because I grew up in California... …
[19:50.930]...and otherwise... …
[19:53.040]...the ocean would be on the wrong side. …
[20:01.150]Oh,my God.
[20:02.680]You're a freak!
[20:05.620]How about that?
[20:11.520]Where're you shipping off to?
[20:13.390]I really can't say.
[20:14.790]Do you have nuclear weapons onboard?
[20:17.730]I can't say.
[20:19.160]Do you get to look through a periscope thingy?
[20:22.170]I'm sorry,but I can't say.
[20:24.230]Wow,it's neat learning about submarines.
[20:27.910]-I better not miss my flight. -I'll walk you out.
[20:39.050]So do you think we could get you one of those uniform things?
[20:44.820]You like that,do you?
[20:46.690]Oh,yeah.
[20:48.160]I'll make some calls.
[20:52.030]Can you believe that's how we spent our two weeks?
[20:54.700]We didn't do the romantic things I'd planned...
[20:56.730]...Iike having a picnic in Central Park and coffee at Central Perk. …
[21:01.570]Oh,I just got that!
[21:12.420]Taxi!
[21:19.860]Bye,you.
[21:34.370]I'm sorry,we're
[21:39.310]Hey,sailor.
[21:40.710]Is this what you had in mind?
[21:43.910]I'll say.
[21:50.820]I'm shipping out tomorrow.
[21:53.360]Well,then...
[21:56.930]...we better make this night count. …
[22:01.270]Wait,I forgot to turn off the cappuccino machine.
[22:12.840]Anchors aweigh.
[22:16.780]Oh,wait,wait! My purse,my purse!
[22:25.260]I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.
[22:28.060]Why don't I just meet you upstairs?
[22:35.130]Honey!