[00:08.66]I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected,
[00:14.22]But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation
[00:20.23]Of the comfort I've developed with negligence.
[00:23.73]'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out,
[00:27.37]But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home,
[00:31.51]She is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine
[00:35.71]And praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying.
[00:39.86]And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression.
[00:46.89]It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken.
[00:50.43]
[00:51.09]And the most sense I can make of this world
[00:53.72]Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen
[00:57.61]To being the pain in my heart and my head.
[01:02.11]And I never meant to write words
[01:04.04]That would make people feel like crying,
[01:06.26]I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying.
[01:12.19]And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working
[01:15.22]And pushed my foot down on letting go.
[01:17.81]And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working.
[01:23.43]I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that in telling.
[01:27.26]
[01:28.68]'Cause the things that got me focused on hope
[01:31.97]Were her smile and that beautiful California weather,
[01:35.81]But that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine,
[01:40.06]I feel like I don't have anything left.
[01:43.20]I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder
[01:47.95]That this could all be another thing I'm believing
[01:51.29]Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone.
[01:55.89]
[02:00.39]Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need
[02:04.28]To over think just to feel like anything real is happening.
[02:08.17]And having to cover every base without any blind faith,
[02:12.53]Just so I can know I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me,
[02:18.81]And me only.
[02:21.64]But then out of nowhere,
[02:23.37]When I finally feel at peace
[02:25.18]And make sense of all these things,
[02:27.15]It's at that moment
[02:28.97]That I miss everybody who ever loved me.
[02:32.16]
[02:33.67]But somehow, the weather feels more sunny,
[02:36.75]And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running,
[02:41.57]And flowing, and livestock is growing,
[02:44.70]My heart is showing,
[02:46.12]My heart is glowing.
[02:48.10]So why do I still feel so lonely?
[02:50.73]Maybe because the words I put on paper
[02:54.01]Are not filling up my heart,
[02:55.89]And it's still empty.
[02:57.41]
[02:59.28]And darling,
[03:00.24]I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy,
[03:04.59]I just didn't want you to be happier than me.
[03:08.74]But I guess I'm just not that lucky.
[03:11.42]
[03:14.15]And this pain may not be escaping,
[03:16.47]And I may still be hurting,
[03:18.20]But that's okay,
[03:19.67]Because at least I'm living.
[03:25.13]And I can see that some day it will be ending,
[03:28.47]Even if it's not today,
[03:30.23]I'll be set free.
[03:32.51]So forgive me,
[03:33.77]I'm usually much more encouraging,
[03:35.74]But until then,
[03:36.75]Just promise me you won't leave.
[03:40.26]Cause heart may feel empty,
[03:43.95]But every time I tell myself I'm alone,
[03:47.03]I know that I'm just lying.
[03:52.79]Cause even though my heart feels empty,
[03:55.22]The walls hold photos of beautiful memories.
[03:58.16]
[03:58.71]And if I hurt so bad now,
[04:00.07]I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing.
[04:04.64]She may not be next to me,
[04:07.16]But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me.
[04:10.81]So heartache,
[04:12.11]Thank you for still believing in me.
[04:16.93]You're not a problem,
[04:19.45]You are my sanity.
[04:22.88]And I love you for it.