Cowboys and pioneers, come lend your eyes and ears
I've got the need to testify
Don't try to fill your nest out in the open west
'cuz there's a million ways to die
Six bullets in the gut or just a paper cut
...too many ways to quantify
They'll cut your ankle off to cure a minor cough
'cuz there's a million ways to die
It's a hundred and one in the shade of the sun
If you fall asleep, you fry
You can live like a saint but there just really ain't
No avoiding a million ways to die
Smallpox and bigger pox, and deadly tomahawks
...or God forbid you steal a pie
They'll blast you into shards for bein' good at cards
'cuz there's a million ways to die
Out on the desert plains it hardly ever rains
And you can hear coyotes cry
They'll eat you up and then they'll crap you out again
'cuz there's a million ways to die
With a whoosh and a whack there's a knife in your back
'cuz you got a fancy tie...
It's a kick in the pants but you don't have a chance
Of escaping a million ways to die