Benny Hill
Ultimate Collection
Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)
You could hear the hoofbeats pound as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week
They called him Ernie
Ernie 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said "All right, sweetheart"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart
He said "Do you want it pasturized? 'Cause pasturized is best"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest"
That tickled old Ernie
Ernie 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie had a rival, a evil-looking man
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said "Now if you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night"
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie 
Ernie 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he lept down from his van, hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger 
Trigger
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his goldtop in his hand
He said "If you wanna marry Susie, you'll fight for her like a man"
"Oh why don't we play cards for her" he sneeringly replied
"And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side"
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face-to-face and Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavored yogurt sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart
As Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise at the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie 
Ernie 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land
But a woman's needs are manyfold and Sue, she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattlin' in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie 
Ernie 
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west