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Set up the mics, turn up the volume. |
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Everybody present, say "here" when I call you: |
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Schaffer? Yep. Beef? Hello. |
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Bought three movie tickets, got the front row. |
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Act I. Our plucky hero's home town: |
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Middle Americana, not a problem to be found. |
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A single dad of one son with a dog just trying his |
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best to make ends meet as a disaster scientist. |
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One day he stumbles upon some horrifying evidence. |
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Our hero decides, "I must inform the president." |
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"Even though you seem to know exactly what you talk about, |
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I don't think at this point in the plot I am going to hear you out. |
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But Washington's in fallout, can't return to my home. |
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There's flash floods, earthquakes. I pick up the red phone. |
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You get this ragtag team made of washed out marines |
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and Dr. Jennie Marie, she studies weather extremes. |
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It's a disaster, it's a disaster |
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whenever you've got three nerd rappers. |
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Act II. Molten lava is chasing them around. |
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Big blue bolts of lightning spring up from underground. |
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But our hero and his team have some hope for a cure: |
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"If we can just get this crew into the center of the earth, |
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we can install a nuclear device then detonate it. |
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My findings indicate that this will stave off devastation." |
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"I might have given in to my pride (that is my sin) |
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but take this check and shake my hand, 'cause you always trust a Whitesican." |
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"Sir, you won't regret it. Launch your finest satellite. |
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Arm it with a laser canon aimed upon the blast site |
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to activate the nuke. But the clock is counting down. |
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We need to act fast as our time is running out." |
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Meanwhile: hurricanes, tidal waves, floods. |
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Sun flares cause it to seem to rain blood. |
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The President just got crushed by an asteroid. |
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And the plucky hero's son? "Run faster, boy!" |
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Last Act. Son makes it, dog doesn't. |
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Odds may be stacked against the team. They discuss it. |
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A last ditch effort hangs heavy on our hero's mind: |
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"Blowing up the planet is the only hope for humankind." |
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And to his leading lady, "There is something I must say..." |
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"Hey, you and me can wait, I want to have another yesterday. |
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Sources say the Kremlin can take us into orbit. |
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Go to space, fix the lasers. And the earth: we can restore it." |
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"That's it! A crazy plan, but we have to try. |
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The time is nigh, gather up supplies, we must survive!" |
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They head out for Russia in a little rowboat, |
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get menaced by glaciers, almost bite it but don't. |
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At the last moment a decision to be made: |
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there's the love or the boy, only one can get saved. |
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If he thinks too long, whole globe is in peril. |
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If you don't shed a tear at the end your heart's sterile. |
