| Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off... | |
| Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! | |
| Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! | |
| (Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.) | |
| Ross: (quietly) That would be nice. | |
| (Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.) | |
| Rachel: Pardon? | |
| Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated) | |
| (Joey is looking at his check.) | |
| Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back. | |
| Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. | |
| Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. | |
| Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey) | |
| Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research. | |
| Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research? | |
| Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science. | |
| Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over) | |
| Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study. | |
| (Rachel laughs.) | |
| Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time. | |
| Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. | |
| Ross: Hey. | |
| Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! | |
| Opening Credits | |
| [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.] | |
| Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... | |
| Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica) | |
| (Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.) | |
| Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here. | |
| Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. | |
| Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Ewww! | |
| Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. | |
| Joey: Oh, OK. | |
| Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone? | |
| Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. | |
| Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? | |
| Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup? | |
| Monica: Man's got a point. | |
| Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me. | |
| Chandler: Crazy bitch. | |
| Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. | |
| Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. | |
| [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] | |
| Phoebe: Hey. | |
| Monica: Hey. | |
| Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags) | |
| Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? | |
| Ross: I'm going to China. | |
| Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... | |
| Monica: You're going to China? | |
| Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica) | |
| Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture) | |
| Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? | |
| Monica: Yeah. | |
| (Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.) | |
| Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. | |
| Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. | |
| Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. | |
| Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl? | |
| Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. | |
| Ross: No. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the... | |
| Ross: At the coffeehouse, right. | |
| Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry. | |
| Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. | |
| (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.) | |
| Ross: Hi. | |
| Joey: Hey! | |
| Chandler: Hey! | |
| Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China. | |
| Joey: The country? | |
| Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? | |
| Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. | |
| Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. | |
| Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!? | |
| Chandler: Forget about her. | |
| Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. | |
| Chandler: Course there, they just call it food. | |
| Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel) | |
| Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug) | |
| Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. | |
| [Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] | |
| Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.' | |
| Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. | |
| Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity) | |
| Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room) | |
| (Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.) | |
| Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? | |
| Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I... | |
| (Monica rolls her eyes.) | |
| Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh. | |
| Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? | |
| Joey: What do you mean? | |
| Monica: Y'know, just be there for her. | |
| (Long pause... Joey looks confused.) | |
| Joey: Not following you. | |
| Monica: Think about it. | |
| (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.) | |
| Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from... | |
| (Melanie smiles.) | |
| Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie. | |
| Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me. | |
| Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him) | |
| (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.) | |
| Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss! | |
| Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times. | |
| Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! | |
| Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. | |
| (Rachel picks up the next gift.) | |
| Rachel: Who's this from? | |
| Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's. | |
| Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered. | |
| Phoebe: Remembered what? | |
| Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered! | |
| Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game) | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. | |
| Monica: I can't believe he did this. | |
| Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? | |
| (Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.) | |
| Rachel: What did you just say? | |
| Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck. | |
| Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part? | |
| Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin.... | |
| Rachel: Oh.... my God. | |
| Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no.... | |
| Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. | |
| Commercial Break | |
| [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] | |
| Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable. | |
| Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge. | |
| Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. | |
| Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. | |
| Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? | |
| Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea? | |
| Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? | |
| Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. | |
| Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave) | |
| Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China! | |
| Joey: The country. | |
| Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes. | |
| Chandler: What about the time difference? | |
| Monica: From here to the airport? | |
| Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it! | |
| Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him? | |
| Rachel: I-I-I don't know. | |
| Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go. | |
| Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait. | |
| Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now. | |
| Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him. | |
| Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help? | |
| (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.) | |
| Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door) | |
| Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves) | |
| [Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.] | |
| Ross: (something in Chinese) | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright! | |
| Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway) | |
| (Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.) | |
| Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... | |
| (Rachel gets up to the jetway.) | |
| Flight Attendant: Hi! | |
| Rachel: Hi. | |
| Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend. | |
| Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. | |
| Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just... | |
| Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! | |
| Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message? | |
| Rachel: Uh... I don't know. | |
| [Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.] | |
| Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. | |
| Man: (confused) What? | |
| Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. | |
| Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze. | |
| [Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.] | |
| Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! | |
| Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. | |
| Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest) | |
| Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. | |
| Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again? | |
| Joey: Sure! Why not? | |
| Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. | |
| (Joey starts to kiss her.) | |
| Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. | |
| Joey: How do you mean? | |
| Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman. | |
| [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.] | |
| Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? | |
| Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Sure. | |
| Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great. | |
| Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date! | |
| Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. | |
| Monica: Another good point. | |
| Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed. | |
| Rachel: (confused) Huh? | |
| Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out? | |
| Monica: Why isn't it working out? | |
| Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. | |
| Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? | |
| Rachel: No! | |
| Monica: Does he not make enough money? | |
| Rachel: No, I'm just.... | |
| Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else. | |
| Rachel: Wha... | |
| Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? | |
| Rachel: No! There is.. there is no one else! | |
| Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? | |
| [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] | |
| Chandler: Hey, big... | |
| Joey: Shhhh! | |
| Chandler: (quietly) ...spender. | |
| Joey: She's still asleep. | |
| Chandler: So how'd it go? | |
| Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed? | |
| Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me. | |
| Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! | |
| Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. | |
| Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. | |
| Chandler: I didn't know you had another level. | |
| Joey: I know! Neither did I! | |
| [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.] | |
| Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? | |
| Rachel: Yeah. | |
| Monica: Oh, from who? | |
| Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. | |
| Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? | |
| Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea. | |
| Monica: Oh, why? | |
| Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna... | |
| Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! | |
| Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... | |
| Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise. | |
| (Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.) | |
| Rachel: Who is it? | |
| Intercom: It's me, Carl. | |
| Rachel: C'mon up. | |
| Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. | |
| [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.] | |
| Joey: Seven hundred bucks! | |
| Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? | |
| Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. | |
| Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing? | |
| Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.) | |
| [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.] | |
| Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy! | |
| (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.) | |
| Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. | |
| Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here. | |
| Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. | |
| (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.) | |
| Ross: Can't do it, can you? | |
| Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what? | |
| Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? | |
| Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... | |
| Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! | |
| Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. | |
| Rachel: Ross, it's too hard. | |
| Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. | |
| Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you... | |
| Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up? | |
| Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? | |
| Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? | |
| Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before. | |
| Ross: Well, start looking. | |
| (They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.) | |
| Rachel: Wow. | |
| Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! | |
| Rachel: Right! You're right! | |
| Carl: Heh... y'know? | |
| Rachel: You know what? | |
| Carl: What? | |
| Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. | |
| (Rachel leaves.) | |
| Carl: But... | |
| [Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.] | |
| Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. | |
| [Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.] | |
| Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel! | |
| (A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.) | |
| Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. | |
| (Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.) | |
| Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie. | |
| Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. | |
| Julie: Really? | |
| Ross: Yeah. | |
| Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me? | |
| Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh... | |
| Ross and Julie: Can't wait. | |
| Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you. | |
| [Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.] |
| Ross: And here' s little Ben nodding off... | |
| Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica' s little boy! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, look, he' s got Ross' s haircut! | |
| Rachel: Oh, let me see! grabs picture Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! | |
| Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point. | |
| Ross: quietly That would be nice. | |
| Chandler, annoyed with Ross' s fawning, makes a ' pfft' noise. | |
| Rachel: Pardon? | |
| Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. walks over to where Joey is seated | |
| Joey is looking at his check. | |
| Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I' ll pay you back. | |
| Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. | |
| Joey: I will, really. I' ll pay you back this time. | |
| Chandler: sigh... And where' s this money coming from? gives money to Joey | |
| Joey: Well... I' m helping out down at the N. Y. U. Med School with some... research. | |
| Ross: overhearing What kind of research? | |
| Joey: Oh, just, y' know.... science. | |
| Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I' ve heard of that. everyone' s interest is piqued, they all look over | |
| Joey: sigh... It' s a fertility study. | |
| Rachel laughs. | |
| Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you' re only donating your time. | |
| Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it' s not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. | |
| Ross: Hey. | |
| Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you' re gonna be making money hand over fist! | |
| Opening Credits | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel' s birthday. | |
| Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... | |
| Phoebe: We' ve got the groundup flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... hands meat to Monica | |
| Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal. | |
| Chandler: in a deep voice Men are here. | |
| Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. | |
| Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Ewww! | |
| Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she' s gonna be late. | |
| Joey: Oh, OK. | |
| Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your provocatively special someone? | |
| Joey: I don' t know, she' s, uh.... she' s pretty great. | |
| Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? | |
| Joey: What, you think I' m gonna tell a girl I like that I' m also seeing a cup? | |
| Monica: Man' s got a point. | |
| Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me. | |
| Chandler: Crazy bitch. | |
| Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I' m not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. | |
| Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. | |
| Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage. | |
| Phoebe: Hey. | |
| Monica: Hey. | |
| Ross: Hey. Phoebe sees his bags | |
| Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? | |
| Ross: I' m going to China. | |
| Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... | |
| Monica: You' re going to China? | |
| Ross: Yeah, iit' s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don' t want us to have the bone, so I' m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo it' s it' s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I' m gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, yyou can' t. So here' s my itinerary hands a sheet of paper to Monica. Um... here' s a picture of me... hands it to Monica | |
| Phoebe: Oh, let me see! takes the picture | |
| Ross: to Monica: Could you take it to Carol' s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn' t forget me? | |
| Monica: Yeah. | |
| Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face. | |
| Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I' m your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. | |
| Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. | |
| Monica: Oh no, she' s out having drinks with Carl. | |
| Ross: Oh. pause Hey, who' s Carl? | |
| Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. | |
| Ross: No. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there' s this guy she met at the... | |
| Ross: At the coffeehouse, right. | |
| Phoebe: So you do know who he is! laughs, Ross stares at her Sorry. | |
| Ross: OK, I' m gonna go say goodbye to the guys. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, hey, y' know what? Tell them that bone story. | |
| Ross goes outisde on the balcony. | |
| Ross: Hi. | |
| Joey: Hey! | |
| Chandler: Hey! | |
| Ross: sigh.... I have to go to China. | |
| Joey: The country? | |
| Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom' s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? | |
| Chandler: Uh, let' s see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. | |
| Ross: Well, Rachel' s having drinks with him tonight. | |
| Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she' s never shown any interest in you?!? | |
| Chandler: Forget about her. | |
| Joey: He' s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. | |
| Chandler: Course there, they just call it food. | |
| Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don' t I don' t know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? gives Chandler a gift for Rachel | |
| Joey: Listen, buddy, we' re just looking out for you. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Joey gives Ross a hug | |
| Chandler: I' m still on my first. I just think you' re nice. | |
| Time lapse. Melanie, Joey' s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone. | |
| Melanie: Anyway, that' s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ' The Three Basketeers.' | |
| Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. | |
| Chandler: sarcastic Ooooh. looks dumbfounded at Joey' s stupidity | |
| Monica: gets up OK, how does everybody like their burgers? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. walks into living room | |
| Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside. | |
| Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How' s it going? How you holding up? | |
| Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we' re gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I... | |
| Monica rolls her eyes. | |
| Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh. | |
| Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? | |
| Joey: What do you mean? | |
| Monica: Y' know, just be there for her. | |
| Long pause... Joey looks confused. | |
| Joey: Not following you. | |
| Monica: Think about it. | |
| They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket. | |
| Rachel: OK, I' m guessing this is from... | |
| Melanie smiles. | |
| Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie. | |
| Chandler: pointing out a gift OK, this one right here is from me. | |
| Rachel: picks it up OK... ah, it' s light... shakes it... it rattles... it' s... opens it Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! she gives it back to him | |
| Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift. | |
| Rachel: This one' s from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it' s a book... feels like a book. And... opens it... it' s a book! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it' s Dr. Seuss! | |
| Joey: to Rachel: That book got me through some tough times. | |
| Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! | |
| Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he' ll die. | |
| Rachel picks up the next gift. | |
| Rachel: Who' s this from? | |
| Chandler: Oh, that' s Ross' s. | |
| Rachel: Oh... opens it... sees it is a pin Oh my God. He remembered. | |
| Phoebe: Remembered what? | |
| Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can' t believe he remembered! | |
| Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? pats his Travel Scrabble game | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it' s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. | |
| Monica: I can' t believe he did this. | |
| Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? | |
| Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross' s crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here. | |
| Rachel: What did you just say? | |
| Chandler: panicked ahem... um... Crystal duck. | |
| Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... ' love' part? | |
| Chandler: stuttering incoherently Fhah.... flennin.... | |
| Rachel: Oh.... my God. | |
| Chandler: rubbing his temples Oh, nonononono.... | |
| Joey: pats Chandler on the leg That' s good, just keep rubbing your head. That' ll turn back time. | |
| Commercial Break | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, continued from earlier. | |
| Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable. | |
| Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge. | |
| Chandler: No it' s not. It' s small. It' s tiny. It' s petite. It' s wee. | |
| Phoebe: Nuhuh. I don' t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. | |
| Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? | |
| Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! Ddid you have any idea? | |
| Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... to Joey: Wwell, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? | |
| Joey: Well, given that he' s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn' t mind getting a cup of coffee or something. | |
| Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I' ve got to talk to him. gets up to leave | |
| Chandler: quickly HHe' s in China! | |
| Joey: The country. | |
| Monica: No, no, wait. checks Ross' s itinerary His flight doesn' t leave for another fortyfive more minutes. | |
| Chandler: What about the time difference? | |
| Monica: From here to the airport? | |
| Chandler: Yes! Rachel walks towards door You' re never gonna make it! | |
| Monica: Rachel, what' re you gonna say to him? | |
| Rachel: III don' t know. | |
| Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn' t go. | |
| Joey: He' s right, cause if you' re just gonna, like, break his heart, that' s the kind of thing that can wait. | |
| Monica: Yeah, but if it' s good news, you should tell him now. | |
| Rachel: I don' t know. Maybe I' ll know when I see him. | |
| Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help? | |
| Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face. | |
| Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y' know, I just, I' ve just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I' ll see you later. opens door | |
| Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! she leaves | |
| Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ' How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there. | |
| Ross: something in Chinese | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright! | |
| Ross: Nichou chima! walks onto jetway | |
| Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way. | |
| Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... | |
| Rachel gets up to the jetway. | |
| Flight Attendant: Hi! | |
| Rachel: Hi. | |
| Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don' t have one. I just need to talk to my friend. | |
| Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I' m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. | |
| Rachel: No, I know, but I he just went on. He' s right there, he' s got the blue jacket on, I... can I jjust... | |
| Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! | |
| Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright. What' s the message? | |
| Rachel: Uh... I don' t know. | |
| Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket. | |
| Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. | |
| Man: confused What? | |
| Flight Attendant: It' s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. | |
| Man: to wife: Toby... Oh, for God' s sake, I don' t know what she' s talking about! There' s no Rachel! Don' t give me that deep freeze. | |
| Scene: Joey' s Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together. | |
| Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! | |
| Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. | |
| Melanie: Well, now we' ve gotta find something fun for you! she starts kissing his chest | |
| Joey: panicked Uhhh.. y' know what? Forget about me. Let' s, uh... let' s give you another turn. | |
| Melanie: surprised MMe again? | |
| Joey: Sure! Why not? | |
| Melanie: Boy, somebody' s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. | |
| Joey starts to kiss her. | |
| Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. | |
| Joey: How do you mean? | |
| Melanie: I don' t know, II guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who' re always ' me, me, me.' But you... you' re a giver. You' re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you' re practically a woman. | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel' s gifts. | |
| Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it' s only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know. I don' t know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y' know, it' s Ross. Y' know what I mean? I mean, it' s Ross. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Sure. | |
| Rachel: I don' t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I' m thinking... oh, I' m thinking it' d be really great. | |
| Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we' d be like friendsinlaw! Y' know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it' s like starting on the fifteenth date! | |
| Phoebe: Yeah, but, y' know, it' s... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. | |
| Monica: Another good point. | |
| Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you' re at the fifteenth date, y' know, you' re already in a very relationshippy place. Y' know, it' s... you' re committed. | |
| Rachel: confused Huh? | |
| Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn' t work out? | |
| Monica: Why isn' t it working out? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know... sometimes it doesn' t. | |
| Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? | |
| Rachel: No! | |
| Monica: Does he not make enough money? | |
| Rachel: No, I' m just.... | |
| Phoebe: Maybe there' s someone else. | |
| Rachel: Wha... | |
| Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? | |
| Rachel: No! There is.. there is no one else! | |
| Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? | |
| Scene: Chandler and Joey' s, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door. | |
| Chandler: Hey, big... | |
| Joey: Shhhh! | |
| Chandler: quietly ... spender. | |
| Joey: She' s still asleep. | |
| Chandler: So how' d it go? | |
| Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you' re great in bed? | |
| Chandler: The fact that you' d even ask that question shows how little you know me. | |
| Joey: Well, it' s like, last night, I couldn' t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! | |
| Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. | |
| Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uhuh. For me, too. It' s like, all of a sudden, I' m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y' know? It' s like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. | |
| Chandler: I didn' t know you had another level. | |
| Joey: I know! Neither did I! | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom. | |
| Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? | |
| Rachel: Yeah. | |
| Monica: Oh, from who? | |
| Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. | |
| Monica: Well, it' s the thought. Hey, doesn' t Ross' s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27B? | |
| Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y' know, honey, I' ve been thinking about it and I' ve decided this this whole Ross thing, it' s just not a good idea. | |
| Monica: Oh, why? | |
| Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn' t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don' t wanna... | |
| Monica: gets up No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! | |
| Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you' re already so... | |
| Monica: I am not ' so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I' ll be good. I promise. | |
| Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it. | |
| Rachel: Who is it? | |
| Intercom: It' s me, Carl. | |
| Rachel: C' mon up. | |
| Monica: Behind my brother' s back? Rachel glares at her ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won' t be hearing from me. | |
| Scene: Chandler and Joey' s, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand. | |
| Joey: Seven hundred bucks! | |
| Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? | |
| Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y' know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. | |
| Chandler: Really? So, you' re gonna stick with this ' it' s all for her' thing? | |
| Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread. | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl. | |
| Carl: I' m just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I' m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don' t get me wrong... I' m not against environmental issues per se.... it' s just that guy! | |
| Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross a figment of Rachel' s imagination shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her. | |
| Ross: I can' t believe you' d rather go out with him than me. | |
| Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I' m trying to have a date here. | |
| Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. | |
| She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her. | |
| Ross: Can' t do it, can you? | |
| Rachel: So I' m thinking about you. So what? | |
| Ross: I don' t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? | |
| Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... | |
| Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! | |
| Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. | |
| Rachel: Ross, it' s too hard. | |
| Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, II' ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. | |
| Rachel: Ross, you' re like my best friend. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you... | |
| Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we' re gonna break up? | |
| Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven' t broken up? | |
| Ross: pause No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know... I mean, I' ve never looked at you that way before. | |
| Ross: Well, start looking. | |
| They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out. | |
| Rachel: Wow. | |
| Carl: Exactly! And you just know I' m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! | |
| Rachel: Right! You' re right! | |
| Carl: Heh... y' know? | |
| Rachel: You know what? | |
| Carl: What? | |
| Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I' m so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... gives him her drink I mean I' m sorry. III gotta go. I' m sorry. | |
| Rachel leaves. | |
| Carl: But... | |
| Scene: Airport. Madonna' s Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers. | |
| Rachel: sifting through crowd Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. | |
| Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel' s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him. | |
| Man: For God' s sake, will you let it go? There' s no Rachel! | |
| A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next. | |
| Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. | |
| Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss. | |
| Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie. | |
| Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. | |
| Julie: Really? | |
| Ross: Yeah. | |
| Julie: You don' t think they' ll judge and ridicule me? | |
| Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh... | |
| Ross and Julie: Can' t wait. | |
| Ross: Come on, they' re gonna love you. | |
| Cut to a closeup of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross' s arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman. |
| Ross: And here' s little Ben nodding off... | |
| Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica' s little boy! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, look, he' s got Ross' s haircut! | |
| Rachel: Oh, let me see! grabs picture Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over! | |
| Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point. | |
| Ross: quietly That would be nice. | |
| Chandler, annoyed with Ross' s fawning, makes a ' pfft' noise. | |
| Rachel: Pardon? | |
| Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. walks over to where Joey is seated | |
| Joey is looking at his check. | |
| Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I' ll pay you back. | |
| Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars. | |
| Joey: I will, really. I' ll pay you back this time. | |
| Chandler: sigh... And where' s this money coming from? gives money to Joey | |
| Joey: Well... I' m helping out down at the N. Y. U. Med School with some... research. | |
| Ross: overhearing What kind of research? | |
| Joey: Oh, just, y' know.... science. | |
| Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I' ve heard of that. everyone' s interest is piqued, they all look over | |
| Joey: sigh... It' s a fertility study. | |
| Rachel laughs. | |
| Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you' re only donating your time. | |
| Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it' s not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars. | |
| Ross: Hey. | |
| Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you' re gonna be making money hand over fist! | |
| Opening Credits | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel' s birthday. | |
| Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns... | |
| Phoebe: We' ve got the groundup flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... hands meat to Monica | |
| Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal. | |
| Chandler: in a deep voice Men are here. | |
| Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. | |
| Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Ewww! | |
| Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she' s gonna be late. | |
| Joey: Oh, OK. | |
| Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your provocatively special someone? | |
| Joey: I don' t know, she' s, uh.... she' s pretty great. | |
| Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? | |
| Joey: What, you think I' m gonna tell a girl I like that I' m also seeing a cup? | |
| Monica: Man' s got a point. | |
| Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me. | |
| Chandler: Crazy bitch. | |
| Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I' m not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean. | |
| Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. | |
| Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage. | |
| Phoebe: Hey. | |
| Monica: Hey. | |
| Ross: Hey. Phoebe sees his bags | |
| Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last? | |
| Ross: I' m going to China. | |
| Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... | |
| Monica: You' re going to China? | |
| Ross: Yeah, iit' s for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don' t want us to have the bone, so I' m going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo it' s it' s a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I' m gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, yyou can' t. So here' s my itinerary hands a sheet of paper to Monica. Um... here' s a picture of me... hands it to Monica | |
| Phoebe: Oh, let me see! takes the picture | |
| Ross: to Monica: Could you take it to Carol' s every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn' t forget me? | |
| Monica: Yeah. | |
| Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face. | |
| Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I' m your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. | |
| Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. | |
| Monica: Oh no, she' s out having drinks with Carl. | |
| Ross: Oh. pause Hey, who' s Carl? | |
| Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. | |
| Ross: No. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there' s this guy she met at the... | |
| Ross: At the coffeehouse, right. | |
| Phoebe: So you do know who he is! laughs, Ross stares at her Sorry. | |
| Ross: OK, I' m gonna go say goodbye to the guys. | |
| Phoebe: Oh, hey, y' know what? Tell them that bone story. | |
| Ross goes outisde on the balcony. | |
| Ross: Hi. | |
| Joey: Hey! | |
| Chandler: Hey! | |
| Ross: sigh.... I have to go to China. | |
| Joey: The country? | |
| Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom' s breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is? | |
| Chandler: Uh, let' s see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. | |
| Ross: Well, Rachel' s having drinks with him tonight. | |
| Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she' s never shown any interest in you?!? | |
| Chandler: Forget about her. | |
| Joey: He' s right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food. | |
| Chandler: Course there, they just call it food. | |
| Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don' t I don' t know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? gives Chandler a gift for Rachel | |
| Joey: Listen, buddy, we' re just looking out for you. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Joey gives Ross a hug | |
| Chandler: I' m still on my first. I just think you' re nice. | |
| Time lapse. Melanie, Joey' s girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone. | |
| Melanie: Anyway, that' s when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves ' The Three Basketeers.' | |
| Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. | |
| Chandler: sarcastic Ooooh. looks dumbfounded at Joey' s stupidity | |
| Monica: gets up OK, how does everybody like their burgers? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. walks into living room | |
| Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside. | |
| Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How' s it going? How you holding up? | |
| Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we' re gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I... | |
| Monica rolls her eyes. | |
| Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh. | |
| Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her? | |
| Joey: What do you mean? | |
| Monica: Y' know, just be there for her. | |
| Long pause... Joey looks confused. | |
| Joey: Not following you. | |
| Monica: Think about it. | |
| They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket. | |
| Rachel: OK, I' m guessing this is from... | |
| Melanie smiles. | |
| Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie. | |
| Chandler: pointing out a gift OK, this one right here is from me. | |
| Rachel: picks it up OK... ah, it' s light... shakes it... it rattles... it' s... opens it Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! she gives it back to him | |
| Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift. | |
| Rachel: This one' s from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it' s a book... feels like a book. And... opens it... it' s a book! | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it' s Dr. Seuss! | |
| Joey: to Rachel: That book got me through some tough times. | |
| Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! | |
| Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he' ll die. | |
| Rachel picks up the next gift. | |
| Rachel: Who' s this from? | |
| Chandler: Oh, that' s Ross' s. | |
| Rachel: Oh... opens it... sees it is a pin Oh my God. He remembered. | |
| Phoebe: Remembered what? | |
| Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can' t believe he remembered! | |
| Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? pats his Travel Scrabble game | |
| Phoebe: Oh, it' s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune. | |
| Monica: I can' t believe he did this. | |
| Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? | |
| Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross' s crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here. | |
| Rachel: What did you just say? | |
| Chandler: panicked ahem... um... Crystal duck. | |
| Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... ' love' part? | |
| Chandler: stuttering incoherently Fhah.... flennin.... | |
| Rachel: Oh.... my God. | |
| Chandler: rubbing his temples Oh, nonononono.... | |
| Joey: pats Chandler on the leg That' s good, just keep rubbing your head. That' ll turn back time. | |
| Commercial Break | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, continued from earlier. | |
| Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable. | |
| Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge. | |
| Chandler: No it' s not. It' s small. It' s tiny. It' s petite. It' s wee. | |
| Phoebe: Nuhuh. I don' t think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again. | |
| Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman? | |
| Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! Ddid you have any idea? | |
| Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... to Joey: Wwell, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? | |
| Joey: Well, given that he' s desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn' t mind getting a cup of coffee or something. | |
| Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I' ve got to talk to him. gets up to leave | |
| Chandler: quickly HHe' s in China! | |
| Joey: The country. | |
| Monica: No, no, wait. checks Ross' s itinerary His flight doesn' t leave for another fortyfive more minutes. | |
| Chandler: What about the time difference? | |
| Monica: From here to the airport? | |
| Chandler: Yes! Rachel walks towards door You' re never gonna make it! | |
| Monica: Rachel, what' re you gonna say to him? | |
| Rachel: III don' t know. | |
| Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn' t go. | |
| Joey: He' s right, cause if you' re just gonna, like, break his heart, that' s the kind of thing that can wait. | |
| Monica: Yeah, but if it' s good news, you should tell him now. | |
| Rachel: I don' t know. Maybe I' ll know when I see him. | |
| Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help? | |
| Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face. | |
| Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y' know, I just, I' ve just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I' ll see you later. opens door | |
| Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! she leaves | |
| Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a ' How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there. | |
| Ross: something in Chinese | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright! | |
| Ross: Nichou chima! walks onto jetway | |
| Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way. | |
| Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.... | |
| Rachel gets up to the jetway. | |
| Flight Attendant: Hi! | |
| Rachel: Hi. | |
| Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? | |
| Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don' t have one. I just need to talk to my friend. | |
| Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I' m sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass. | |
| Rachel: No, I know, but I he just went on. He' s right there, he' s got the blue jacket on, I... can I jjust... | |
| Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! | |
| Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important. | |
| Flight Attendant: Alright. What' s the message? | |
| Rachel: Uh... I don' t know. | |
| Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket. | |
| Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you. | |
| Man: confused What? | |
| Flight Attendant: It' s from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back. | |
| Man: to wife: Toby... Oh, for God' s sake, I don' t know what she' s talking about! There' s no Rachel! Don' t give me that deep freeze. | |
| Scene: Joey' s Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together. | |
| Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute! | |
| Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. | |
| Melanie: Well, now we' ve gotta find something fun for you! she starts kissing his chest | |
| Joey: panicked Uhhh.. y' know what? Forget about me. Let' s, uh... let' s give you another turn. | |
| Melanie: surprised MMe again? | |
| Joey: Sure! Why not? | |
| Melanie: Boy, somebody' s gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow. | |
| Joey starts to kiss her. | |
| Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be. | |
| Joey: How do you mean? | |
| Melanie: I don' t know, II guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who' re always ' me, me, me.' But you... you' re a giver. You' re like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you' re practically a woman. | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel' s gifts. | |
| Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it' s only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know. I don' t know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y' know, it' s Ross. Y' know what I mean? I mean, it' s Ross. | |
| Monica and Phoebe: Sure. | |
| Rachel: I don' t know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I' m thinking... oh, I' m thinking it' d be really great. | |
| Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we' d be like friendsinlaw! Y' know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it' s like starting on the fifteenth date! | |
| Phoebe: Yeah, but, y' know, it' s... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date. | |
| Monica: Another good point. | |
| Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you' re at the fifteenth date, y' know, you' re already in a very relationshippy place. Y' know, it' s... you' re committed. | |
| Rachel: confused Huh? | |
| Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn' t work out? | |
| Monica: Why isn' t it working out? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know... sometimes it doesn' t. | |
| Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? | |
| Rachel: No! | |
| Monica: Does he not make enough money? | |
| Rachel: No, I' m just.... | |
| Phoebe: Maybe there' s someone else. | |
| Rachel: Wha... | |
| Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? | |
| Rachel: No! There is.. there is no one else! | |
| Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!? | |
| Scene: Chandler and Joey' s, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door. | |
| Chandler: Hey, big... | |
| Joey: Shhhh! | |
| Chandler: quietly ... spender. | |
| Joey: She' s still asleep. | |
| Chandler: So how' d it go? | |
| Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you' re great in bed? | |
| Chandler: The fact that you' d even ask that question shows how little you know me. | |
| Joey: Well, it' s like, last night, I couldn' t do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade! | |
| Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route. | |
| Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uhuh. For me, too. It' s like, all of a sudden, I' m blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y' know? It' s like... I was able to appreciate it on another level. | |
| Chandler: I didn' t know you had another level. | |
| Joey: I know! Neither did I! | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom. | |
| Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? | |
| Rachel: Yeah. | |
| Monica: Oh, from who? | |
| Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. | |
| Monica: Well, it' s the thought. Hey, doesn' t Ross' s flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27B? | |
| Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y' know, honey, I' ve been thinking about it and I' ve decided this this whole Ross thing, it' s just not a good idea. | |
| Monica: Oh, why? | |
| Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn' t just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don' t wanna... | |
| Monica: gets up No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure! | |
| Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you' re already so... | |
| Monica: I am not ' so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I' ll be good. I promise. | |
| Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it. | |
| Rachel: Who is it? | |
| Intercom: It' s me, Carl. | |
| Rachel: C' mon up. | |
| Monica: Behind my brother' s back? Rachel glares at her ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won' t be hearing from me. | |
| Scene: Chandler and Joey' s, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand. | |
| Joey: Seven hundred bucks! | |
| Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? | |
| Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y' know what, though? I really feel like I learned something. | |
| Chandler: Really? So, you' re gonna stick with this ' it' s all for her' thing? | |
| Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread. | |
| Scene: Monica and Rachel' s Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl. | |
| Carl: I' m just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I' m gonna shoot myself! I mean, don' t get me wrong... I' m not against environmental issues per se.... it' s just that guy! | |
| Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross a figment of Rachel' s imagination shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her. | |
| Ross: I can' t believe you' d rather go out with him than me. | |
| Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I' m trying to have a date here. | |
| Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. | |
| She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her. | |
| Ross: Can' t do it, can you? | |
| Rachel: So I' m thinking about you. So what? | |
| Ross: I don' t get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? | |
| Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... | |
| Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! | |
| Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. | |
| Rachel: Ross, it' s too hard. | |
| Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, II' ve been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade. | |
| Rachel: Ross, you' re like my best friend. | |
| Ross: I know. | |
| Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you... | |
| Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we' re gonna break up? | |
| Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven' t broken up? | |
| Ross: pause No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? | |
| Rachel: I don' t know... I mean, I' ve never looked at you that way before. | |
| Ross: Well, start looking. | |
| They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out. | |
| Rachel: Wow. | |
| Carl: Exactly! And you just know I' m gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! | |
| Rachel: Right! You' re right! | |
| Carl: Heh... y' know? | |
| Rachel: You know what? | |
| Carl: What? | |
| Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I' m so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... gives him her drink I mean I' m sorry. III gotta go. I' m sorry. | |
| Rachel leaves. | |
| Carl: But... | |
| Scene: Airport. Madonna' s Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers. | |
| Rachel: sifting through crowd Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi. | |
| Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel' s message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him. | |
| Man: For God' s sake, will you let it go? There' s no Rachel! | |
| A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next. | |
| Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that. | |
| Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss. | |
| Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie. | |
| Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. | |
| Julie: Really? | |
| Ross: Yeah. | |
| Julie: You don' t think they' ll judge and ridicule me? | |
| Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh... | |
| Ross and Julie: Can' t wait. | |
| Ross: Come on, they' re gonna love you. | |
| Cut to a closeup of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross' s arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman. |
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