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Way back when |
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I was just a little bitty boy |
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Living in a box |
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Under the stairs |
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In the corner of the basement |
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In the house half a block down the street from |
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Jerry's Bait |
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ShopYou know the place |
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Well anyway, |
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Back then life was going swell |
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And everything was just peachy! |
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Except of course for the undeniable fact |
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That every single morning |
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My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of |
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Sauer kraut for breakfast |
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DawwwBig bowl of sauer kraut! |
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Every single mornin'! |
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It was driving me crazy! |
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And I said to my mom, |
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I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" |
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And my dear, sweet mother, |
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She just looked at me like a cow looks |
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At an oncoming train |
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And she leaned right down next to me |
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And she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" |
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And then she tied me to the wall |
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And stuck a funnel in my mouth |
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And force fed me nothing but sauer kraut |
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Until I was twenty-six and a half years old |
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That's when |
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I swore that someday, |
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Someday I would get outta that basement |
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And travel to a magical, far away place, |
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Where the sun is always shining |
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And the air smells like warm root beer, |
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And the towels are oh so fluffy! |
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Where the shriners and the lepers |
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Play their ukuleles all day long |
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And anyone on the street |
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Will gladly shave your back for a nickel! |
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Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah! |
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Well, let me tell you, people, |
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It wasn't long at all before my dream came true |
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Because the very next day, |
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A local radio station had this contest |
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To see who could correctly guess the number |
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Of molecules in |
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Leonard Nimoy's butt |
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I was off by three, but |
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I still won the grand prize |
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That's right, a first class, one-way ticket |
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To Albuquerque! |
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Albuquerque! |
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Oh yeahYou know, |
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I'd never been |
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On a real airplane before |
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And I gotta tell ya |
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It was really great |
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Except that |
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I had to sit |
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Between two large |
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Albanian women |
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With excruciatingly severe body odor |
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And the little kid in back of me |
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Kept throwin' up the whole time |
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The flight attendants ran out of |
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Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts |
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And the in-flight movie was |
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Bio-Dome with |
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Pauly Shore |
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And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out |
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And we went into a tailspin |
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And crashed into a hillside |
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And the plane exploded in a giant fireball |
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And everybody died! |
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Except for me. |
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You know why?' |
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Cause I had my tray table up |
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And my seat back in the full upright position |
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Had my tray table up |
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And my seat back in the full upright position |
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Had my tray table up |
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And my seat back in the full upright position |
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Ah-ha-ha-ha! |
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Ah-ha-ha!Aahhh |
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So I crawled from the twisted, burnin', wreckage |
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I crawled on my hands and knees |
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For three full days |
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Draggin' along my big leather suitcase |
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And my garment bag |
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And my tenor saxophone |
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And my 12-pound bowlin' ball |
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And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! |
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But finally |
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I arrived at the world famous |
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Albuquerque |
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Holiday Inn! |
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Where the towels are oh so fluffy! |
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And you can eat your soup |
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Right out of the ashtrays if you wanna |
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It's okay, they're clean! |
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Well, I checked into my room, |
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And I turned down the |
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A/C,And I turned on the |
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SpectraVision, |
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And I'm just about to eat |
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That little chocolate mint on my pillow |
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That I love so very, very much, |
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When suddenly there's a knock on the door |
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Well, now, who could that be? |
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I say, "Who is it?" |
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No answer"Who is it?" |
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There's no answer"WHO IS IT!?" |
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They're not sayin' anything |
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So finally, |
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I go overAnd |
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I open the door, |
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And just as |
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I suspected, |
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It's some big, fat hermaphrodite |
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With a flock of seagulls, haircut, |
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And only one nostril |
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Oh, man, I hate it when |
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I'm right! |
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So, anyway, |
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He bursts into my room, |
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And he grabs my lucky snorkel, |
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And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" |
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And he's like, "Tough!" |
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And I'm like, "Give it!" |
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And he's like, "Make me!" |
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And I'm like, "'Kay!" |
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So I grabbed his leg |
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And he grabbed my esophagus |
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And I bit off his ear |
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And he chewed off my eyebrows |
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And I took out his appendix |
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And he gave me a colonic irrigation |
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Yes indeed, you better believe it! |
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And somehow in the middle of it all |
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The phone got knocked off the hook |
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And twenty seconds later, |
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I heard a familiar voice |
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And you know what it said? |
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I'll tell ya what it said! |
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It said, "If you'd like to make a call,Please hang up and try againIf you need help,Hang up and then dial your operatorIf you'd like to make a callPlease hang up and try again.If you need helpHang up and then dial your operatorIn Albuquerque!" |
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Albuquerque! |
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Well, to cut a long story short, |
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He got away with my snorkel |
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But I made a solemn vow |
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Right then and there |
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That I would not rest, |
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I would not sleep for an instant, |
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Until the one-nostrilled man |
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Was brought to justice |
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But first, |
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I decided to buy some donuts |
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So I got in my car |
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And I drove over to the donut shop |
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And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter |
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And he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?" |
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I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" |
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He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." |
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I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" |
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He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." |
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I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" |
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He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." |
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I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" |
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He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" |
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I said, "You got any apple fritters?" |
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He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" |
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I said, "You got any bear claws?" |
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He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check.""Naw, we're outta bear claws!" |
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I said, "Well, in that caseIn that case, what do you have?" |
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He says, "All I got right nowIs this box of one dozenStarving crazed weasels." |
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I said, "Okay, I'll take that." |
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So he hands me the box, |
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And I open up the lid, |
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And the weasels jump out |
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And they immediately latch onto my face |
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And start bitin' me all over |
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Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! |
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They were tearin' me apart! |
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You know,I think it was just about that timethat a little ditty started goin' through my head |
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I believe it went a little somethin' like this: |
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DOH!Get 'em off me! |
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Get 'em off me! |
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Ohhh!No, get 'em off, get 'em off! |
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Oh, oh God, oh |
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God!Oh, get 'em off me! |
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Oh, oh God! |
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Ah, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! |
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I ran out into the street |
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With these flesh-eating weasels |
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All over my face, |
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Wavin' my arms all around |
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And just runnin', runnin', runnin', |
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Like a constipated wiener dog |
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And as luck would have it, |
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That's exactly when |
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I ran into |
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The girl of my dreams |
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Her name was |
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ZeldaShe was a caligraphy enthusiast, |
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With a slight overbite, |
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And hair the color of strained peaches |
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I'll never forget |
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The very first thing |
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She said to me |
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She said, "Hey,You've got weasels on your face." |
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That's when |
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I knew it was true love |
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We were inseparable after that |
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Aw, we ate together |
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We bathed together |
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We even shared the same piece |
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Of mint-flavored dental floss |
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The world was our burrito |
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So we got married, |
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And we bought us a house |
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And had two beautiful children, |
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Nathaniel and |
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SuperflyOh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah |
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But then, one fateful night, |
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Zelda said to me, she said,"Sweetie pumpkin?Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" |
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I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby!I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" |
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So we broke up, |
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And I never saw her again |
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But that's just the way things go |
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In Albuquerque! |
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Albuquerque! |
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Anyway, things really started |
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Lookin' up for me, |
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Because about a week later |
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I finally achieved my lifelong dream |
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That's right, |
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I got me a part-time job |
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At the Sizzler! |
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I even made employee of the month |
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After I put out that grease fire |
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With my face! |
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Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous |
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Of me after that |
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I was gettin' a lot of attitude. |
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Okay, like one time, |
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I was out in the parkin' lot, |
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Tryin' to remove my excess earwax |
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With a golf pencil, |
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When I see this guy |
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MartyTryin' to carry a big ol' sofa |
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Up the stairs all by himself. |
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So I-I say to him, |
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I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" |
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And Marty, he just rolls his eyes |
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And goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" |
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So I did.And then he gets all indignant on me |
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He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" |
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Well, that's just great. |
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How was I supposed to know that? |
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I'm not a mind reader, |
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For cryin' out loud |
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Besides, now he's got |
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A really cute nickname - |
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Torso-Boy! |
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So what's he complaining about? |
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Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote |
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This guy comes up to me on the street |
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And he tells me he hasn't had a bite |
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In three days |
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Well, I knew what he meant, |
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But just to be funny, |
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I took a big bite |
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Out of his jugular vein |
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And he's yelling and screaming |
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And bleeding all over, |
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And I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" |
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But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, |
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Bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" |
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You know, completely missing |
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The irony of the whole situation |
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Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? |
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Anyway, um... |
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Where was |
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I?Kinda lost my train of thought. |
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Uh, well, uh, |
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OK, anyway, |
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I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way |
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Of saying it, but, |
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I guess the whole point |
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I'm tryin' to make here is |
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I HATE SAU |
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ERKRAUT!That's all |
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I'm really tryin' to say |
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And, by the way,if one day you happen to wake up |
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And find yourself in an existential quandry, |
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Full of loathing and self-doubt |
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And wracked with the pain and isolation |
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Of your pitiful meaningless existence, |
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At least you can take a small bit of comfort |
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In knowing that somewhere out there in this |
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Crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, |
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There's still a little place |
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Called Albuquerque! |
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Albuquerque! |
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Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) |
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Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) |
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Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) |
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Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) |
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I said A! (A!) |
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L! (L!)B! (B!) |
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U! (U!)... querque! (querque!)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) |
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Al...buquerque!*burp* |
