| [00:08.66] |
I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected, |
| [00:14.22] |
But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation |
| [00:20.23] |
Of the comfort I've developed with negligence. |
| [00:23.73] |
'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out, |
| [00:27.37] |
But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home, |
| [00:31.51] |
She is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine |
| [00:35.71] |
And praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying. |
| [00:39.86] |
And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression. |
| [00:46.89] |
It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken. |
| [00:50.43] |
|
| [00:51.09] |
And the most sense I can make of this world |
| [00:53.72] |
Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen |
| [00:57.61] |
To being the pain in my heart and my head. |
| [01:02.11] |
And I never meant to write words |
| [01:04.04] |
That would make people feel like crying, |
| [01:06.26] |
I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying. |
| [01:12.19] |
And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working |
| [01:15.22] |
And pushed my foot down on letting go. |
| [01:17.81] |
And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working. |
| [01:23.43] |
I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that in telling. |
| [01:27.26] |
|
| [01:28.68] |
'Cause the things that got me focused on hope |
| [01:31.97] |
Were her smile and that beautiful California weather, |
| [01:35.81] |
But that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine, |
| [01:40.06] |
I feel like I don't have anything left. |
| [01:43.20] |
I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder |
| [01:47.95] |
That this could all be another thing I'm believing |
| [01:51.29] |
Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone. |
| [01:55.89] |
|
| [02:00.39] |
Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need |
| [02:04.28] |
To over think just to feel like anything real is happening. |
| [02:08.17] |
And having to cover every base without any blind faith, |
| [02:12.53] |
Just so I can know I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me, |
| [02:18.81] |
And me only. |
| [02:21.64] |
But then out of nowhere, |
| [02:23.37] |
When I finally feel at peace |
| [02:25.18] |
And make sense of all these things, |
| [02:27.15] |
It's at that moment |
| [02:28.97] |
That I miss everybody who ever loved me. |
| [02:32.16] |
|
| [02:33.67] |
But somehow, the weather feels more sunny, |
| [02:36.75] |
And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running, |
| [02:41.57] |
And flowing, and livestock is growing, |
| [02:44.70] |
My heart is showing, |
| [02:46.12] |
My heart is glowing. |
| [02:48.10] |
So why do I still feel so lonely? |
| [02:50.73] |
Maybe because the words I put on paper |
| [02:54.01] |
Are not filling up my heart, |
| [02:55.89] |
And it's still empty. |
| [02:57.41] |
|
| [02:59.28] |
And darling, |
| [03:00.24] |
I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy, |
| [03:04.59] |
I just didn't want you to be happier than me. |
| [03:08.74] |
But I guess I'm just not that lucky. |
| [03:11.42] |
|
| [03:14.15] |
And this pain may not be escaping, |
| [03:16.47] |
And I may still be hurting, |
| [03:18.20] |
But that's okay, |
| [03:19.67] |
Because at least I'm living. |
| [03:25.13] |
And I can see that some day it will be ending, |
| [03:28.47] |
Even if it's not today, |
| [03:30.23] |
I'll be set free. |
| [03:32.51] |
So forgive me, |
| [03:33.77] |
I'm usually much more encouraging, |
| [03:35.74] |
But until then, |
| [03:36.75] |
Just promise me you won't leave. |
| [03:40.26] |
Cause heart may feel empty, |
| [03:43.95] |
But every time I tell myself I'm alone, |
| [03:47.03] |
I know that I'm just lying. |
| [03:52.79] |
Cause even though my heart feels empty, |
| [03:55.22] |
The walls hold photos of beautiful memories. |
| [03:58.16] |
|
| [03:58.71] |
And if I hurt so bad now, |
| [04:00.07] |
I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing. |
| [04:04.64] |
She may not be next to me, |
| [04:07.16] |
But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me. |
| [04:10.81] |
So heartache, |
| [04:12.11] |
Thank you for still believing in me. |
| [04:16.93] |
You're not a problem, |
| [04:19.45] |
You are my sanity. |
| [04:22.88] |
And I love you for it. |
