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Benny Hill |
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Ultimate Collection |
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Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) |
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You could hear the hoofbeats pound as they raced across the ground |
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And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round |
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And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest |
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His name was Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
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Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue |
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She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22 |
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They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic |
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But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week |
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They called him Ernie |
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Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
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She said she'd like to bathe in milk |
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He said "All right, sweetheart" |
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And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart |
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He said "Do you want it pasturized? 'Cause pasturized is best" |
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She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest" |
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That tickled old Ernie |
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Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
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Now Ernie had a rival, a evil-looking man |
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Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the bakers van |
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He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread |
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And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned her head |
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She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said "Now if you treat me right, |
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You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night" |
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He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way |
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And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day |
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Poor Ernie |
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Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
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One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door |
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It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four |
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And as he lept down from his van, hot blood through his veins did course |
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And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his horse |
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Whose name was Trigger |
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Trigger |
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And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west |
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Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his goldtop in his hand |
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He said "If you wanna marry Susie, you'll fight for her like a man" |
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"Oh why don't we play cards for her" he sneeringly replied |
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"And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side" |
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Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun |
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They stood there face-to-face and Ted went for his bun |
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But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned |
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And a strawberry flavored yogurt sent it spinning from his hand |
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Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart |
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As Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart |
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And he looked up in pained surprise at the concrete hardened crust |
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Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust |
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Poor Ernie |
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Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
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Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die |
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And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky |
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Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned |
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And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land |
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But a woman's needs are manyfold and Sue, she married Ted |
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But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed |
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Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate? |
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Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattlin' in their crate? |
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They won't forget Ernie |
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Ernie |
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And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west |
