Suicide Journalist 歌词
| 歌曲 | Suicide Journalist |
| 歌手 | Chris Morris |
| 专辑 | Blue Jam |
| 下载 | Image LRC TXT |
| [00:00.289] | Susie and a thin man found me in the park. |
| [00:04.264] | I was walking slowly round the pond, and making the bones in my nose tickle by hooting. |
| [00:11.341] | Susie said my mother had tipped her off, after hearing my voice while throwing stones at the ducks. |
| [00:18.161] | I had been there a day and a half. |
| [00:21.297] | "It's because of my job," I explained. |
| [00:24.548] | Susie looked doubtful. |
| [00:26.525] | "Batch-testing new-age CDs." |
| [00:30.032] | "But Hal said he didn't hire you in the end," she said. |
| [00:33.904] | "That would explain why he hasn't paid me." |
| [00:37.182] | The thin man with Susie coughed up a small laugh, and spat it onto the ground. |
| [00:43.382] | "You'd better come to dinner on Saturday," she said. "Clive will be there too." |
| [00:48.083] | She squeezed the man's arm. "Clive is the suicide journalist." |
| [00:55.003] | He was ghostly pale with black hair and a sad wit in his eyes. |
| [00:59.624] | I'd say he looked like John Cusack, if I could remember who the hell John Cusack was. |
| [01:06.119] | As he gazed moodily at the pond, Susie explained that Clive had announced in his weekly column that he had six months to live. |
| [01:14.470] | On April 15th, he would be committing suicide, and until then, he would write about how it felt to be staring death in the face. |
| [01:23.963] | Clive took out a notebook, and mumbled something about the blackness of a moorhen. |
| [01:30.334] | "D'you know what month it is now?" she asked. |
| [01:33.198] | I thought it might be Martober. |
| [01:36.433] | Susie dabbed a damp eye, and said that the suicide column was the saddest, funniest, most tragic and uplifting thing she'd ever read. |
| [01:45.341] | "He has just twelve weeks to go." |
| [01:49.519] | I looked across the pond and started honking again. |
| [01:54.207] | Susie turned to collect Clive, who was puffing on three cigarettes, and smirking at his notes. |
| [02:00.114] | "Eight or late with a good excuse," she crooned, and popped a sweet in my mouth. |
| [02:06.677] | I arrived well after dark. |
| [02:09.733] | A smart woman opened the door. |
| [02:12.676] | "I couldn't afford a bottle of wine," I said, "so I've drawn a picture of one on some cardboard." |
| [02:19.698] | I'd prepared for the party by eating half a jar of instant coffee I'd found in the bins at Sainsbury's. |
| [02:26.082] | She took my cardboard and said, "That's brilliant. Could I use you in a programme?" |
| [02:32.216] | When I asked her what sort of programme, she said, "I could make a whole series about the things people bring to parties." |
| [02:39.404] | "What do you do?" I said, thinking of the window at Dixons. |
| [02:44.181] | "My name's Hosanna Bell. I work in the warm arts." |
| [02:49.844] | We stepped past Susie's yachting gear, and into the dining room. |
| [02:53.907] | Seven people sat noisily round a large bowl of oysters, but Susie wasn't a single one of them. |
| [03:00.498] | I thought I was at the wrong party, until they explained that the whole point was to be late, but with a good excuse. |
| [03:07.452] | "Why are you late?" they asked. |
| [03:10.665] | I said I'd had no money for a bottle of wine, |
| [03:13.201] | and the homeless bloke at the tube station who usually subs me a couple of quid because he says I look worse off than his dog, |
| [03:18.968] | was being mugged when I asked him this time and hadn't given me a penny, |
| [03:22.282] | and then I'd got lost because I'd forgotten whether Susie's house was directly opposite some trees, or directly opposite no trees at all. |
| [03:29.925] | Several conversations had started by the time I got to that bit. |
| [03:35.133] | Susie arrived with great squeals and kisses. |
| [03:38.659] | She revealed that she had spent the last three hours in bestial congress with a junior cabinet minister. |
| [03:45.145] | Gobs hung open, because everyone had thought he was gay, and several of them also knew that he was her half brother. |
| [03:52.688] | She wore a grin as big as a harbour. |
| [03:56.005] | "Do you think Clive is still coming?" said a sincere man in glasses, and the talk turned at once to his column. |
| [04:03.328] | Hosanna Bell said she had seen more truth in Clive's writing, than the entire works of any writer she could think of. |
| [04:10.890] | A woman called Emma agreed—"I'm still reeling. I don't know whether to weep, laugh, throw up or hug everybody." |
| [04:19.268] | "That's just your protein rush," observed a man called Paddy, pointing to the seventeen shells on her plate. |
| [04:26.522] | Emma touched his leg. |
| [04:29.000] | Paddy was Clive's editor, and was busy milking the table, by mildly deprecating the praise for Clive's column, so that people doubled it in protest. |
| [04:39.078] | He was just declaring that the columns would have to be polished up for the book, when swearing in the hall announced the arrival of Clive. |
| [04:50.102] | He looked a bit drunk, and seemed small with his coat off. |
| [04:54.527] | He said he was sorry he was late, but actually he didn't give a ****. |
| [04:59.465] | Everyone laughed, except Paddy. |
| [05:03.164] | Susie said, "This brilliant man has asked me if you would all take it easy on the suicide questions tonight," and helped him liberally to bivalves. |
| [05:12.729] | We nodded, "of course," and I asked him if he thought oysters could commit suicide. |
| [05:18.394] | Susie glared at me. |
| [05:20.427] | I said I was just wondering if an oyster could make a decision like that, and if so how it would die, because it couldn't really hang itself. |
| [05:28.773] | "Are you being weird or sarcastic?" said Emma. |
| [05:32.618] | I didn't know because I get the two feelings mixed up. |
| [05:36.653] | She called me a plankton, and started telling Clive about the time she had cut her wrists. |
| [05:41.962] | "Look at my scars," she said. "They are beautiful, but not as beautiful as your columns." |
| [05:48.612] | For some reason, Clive looked at me as he said, "only the very ugly is truly beautiful. |
| [05:54.912] | And if the printed word has any meaning, then it must come from the very edge of ****ybumbooboo." |
| [06:02.088] | There were titters. |
| [06:04.091] | Paddy muttered something about Clive alienating his fans, but was cut off by Emma. |
| [06:09.149] | "No, Clive has every right to be drunk. You are in masses of pain, Clive, and you are doing it for us." |
| [06:17.177] | "Yes," agreed Hosanna. |
| [06:19.310] | Clive asked her what the hell she knew. |
| [06:22.202] | "In the warm arts, we're strong on people-how," she said, |
| [06:26.681] | "and what you have done in volunteering to take your own life, Clive, is illuminate with poignant resonance, the self-destructor in all of us." |
| [06:36.443] | There was a ripple of applause. |
| [06:39.006] | Clive, who had been sousing his oysters in vodka, and setting them alight before hurling them down his throat, |
| [06:45.141] | now added a cigarette to the turmoil, and belched the word "bollocks". |
| [06:50.259] | Paddy banged the table, and started telling Clive that if all he could do was get pissed, and shove drugs up his bum for the last twelve columns, then he would lose all his priceless empathy. |
| [07:01.937] | "This is the finest copy I've ever commissioned," he said, "and I'm not having it ruined by some jumped-up little floozy going all diddums." |
| [07:10.371] | A man called Stitt said that Paddy was threatening the purity of Clive's columns. |
| [07:15.269] | "If he uses the bottle, then that should come through in his work." |
| [07:19.881] | "But he'll end up writing about you lot," said Paddy. |
| [07:24.242] | Suddenly, all the guests were telling Clive about the time they'd nearly topped themselves. |
| [07:30.230] | Hosanna Bell described how she'd been suicidal for six months after giving birth, until she'd decided to sue her baby for what it had done to her figure. |
| [07:39.965] | Clive was insulting everyone and writing notes on his cuffs. |
| [07:43.792] | "Losers. Crap attempt," he shouted. "I want something that actually works." |
| [07:50.814] | Someone said hosepipes work. |
| [07:53.785] | Clive knew a bloke in the garden centre in Maidstone, who actually cuts them to length for your particular car. |
| [07:59.802] | He said the people carrier-length hose was the most popular. |
| [08:03.799] | "Wow," said Hosanna Bell, now also scribbling feverishly. |
| [08:08.563] | "So then, mister superstar," Paddy was saying, "what is the best way to kill yourself?" |
| [08:14.808] | Clive said that in fact the best way he knew, was to buy two hundred foot of nylon rope, |
| [08:20.364] | tie one end round your neck, the other round a lamppost, |
| [08:24.116] | and get into your car and floor the accelerator. |
| [08:28.274] | He said that's how his great uncle had done it. |
| [08:31.622] | He'd made Clive help him. |
| [08:34.046] | He was just nine years old, |
| [08:36.703] | and he'd had to ride in the car and stop it crashing when his uncle's head came off. |
| [08:41.839] | The blood had made the pedals very slippery. |
| [08:45.480] | Clive blinked, smarting eyes. |
| [08:48.679] | The table fell silent. |
| [08:51.877] | "Really?" said Paddy, genuinely shocked. |
| [08:56.553] | "Of course not, you moron," brayed Clive, and went on to explain that we were all idiots. |
| [09:01.605] | He could say anything and we'd lap it up, just because we thought his pain meant something. |
| [09:06.177] | Now we wouldn't give him a second thought if he wasn't going to kill himself, |
| [09:09.452] | except that actually, he wasn't anyway, |
| [09:11.413] | because the whole thing was a hoax, and he was going to say so in his column next week. |
| [09:16.999] | Paddy erupted, and decked Clive with the oyster bowl. |
| [09:21.020] | Then he stood over him, roaring that this was his ****ing idea, |
| [09:24.301] | Clive had agreed to do it, and he wasn't going to wriggle out of killing himself now, not now there was a book. |
| [09:31.712] | Clive crawled from the room. |
| [09:34.252] | The general opinion was that Clive had just treated us to his most savage and moving cry for help yet. |
| [09:41.285] | We had all underestimated his pain. |
| [09:45.478] | "I feel choked up now," said Emma, "but if I read about it next week, I'll be crying for the rest of the year." |
| [09:53.240] | "Someone bring me a ****ing fag." Clive's voice sounded glutinous. |
| [09:59.985] | Susie gestured to me, as everyone else was still debating the meaning of his actions. |
| [10:05.912] | He lay on the floor, two regurgitated oysters a tongue's length from his leaking mouth, one of them still slightly alive. |
| [10:15.318] | His nose seemed a better place for the cigarette. |
| [10:19.969] | The caustic fumes revived him sharply, and he stumbled to his feet. |
| [10:25.000] | "I'm going out," he said. "I'm going to break into a car and drive around drunk until I crash." |
| [10:31.984] | As he lunged past me into the hall, his foot snagged on a rope among Susie's boat bags, and he fell on the seagrass. |
| [10:40.395] | We both looked at the large coil of blue nylon. |
| [10:46.108] | "Are you good at knots?" he said. |
| [10:50.704] | Susie's car keys were hanging by the front door. |
| [10:54.244] | "You might as well use the discovery," I said. "She'll be so thrilled to have a new story." |
| [11:03.815] | About an hour later, I revealed that Clive hadn't just gone for a walk, |
| [11:08.412] | he'd gone to divorce his head, and how I'd helped him with the keys and the knots. |
| [11:14.023] | I needed to go to sleep, and had correctly anticipated that Paddy would punch my lights out. |
| [00:00.289] | Susie and a thin man found me in the park. |
| [00:04.264] | I was walking slowly round the pond, and making the bones in my nose tickle by hooting. |
| [00:11.341] | Susie said my mother had tipped her off, after hearing my voice while throwing stones at the ducks. |
| [00:18.161] | I had been there a day and a half. |
| [00:21.297] | " It' s because of my job," I explained. |
| [00:24.548] | Susie looked doubtful. |
| [00:26.525] | " Batchtesting newage CDs." |
| [00:30.032] | " But Hal said he didn' t hire you in the end," she said. |
| [00:33.904] | " That would explain why he hasn' t paid me." |
| [00:37.182] | The thin man with Susie coughed up a small laugh, and spat it onto the ground. |
| [00:43.382] | " You' d better come to dinner on Saturday," she said. " Clive will be there too." |
| [00:48.083] | She squeezed the man' s arm. " Clive is the suicide journalist." |
| [00:55.003] | He was ghostly pale with black hair and a sad wit in his eyes. |
| [00:59.624] | I' d say he looked like John Cusack, if I could remember who the hell John Cusack was. |
| [01:06.119] | As he gazed moodily at the pond, Susie explained that Clive had announced in his weekly column that he had six months to live. |
| [01:14.470] | On April 15th, he would be committing suicide, and until then, he would write about how it felt to be staring death in the face. |
| [01:23.963] | Clive took out a notebook, and mumbled something about the blackness of a moorhen. |
| [01:30.334] | " D' you know what month it is now?" she asked. |
| [01:33.198] | I thought it might be Martober. |
| [01:36.433] | Susie dabbed a damp eye, and said that the suicide column was the saddest, funniest, most tragic and uplifting thing she' d ever read. |
| [01:45.341] | " He has just twelve weeks to go." |
| [01:49.519] | I looked across the pond and started honking again. |
| [01:54.207] | Susie turned to collect Clive, who was puffing on three cigarettes, and smirking at his notes. |
| [02:00.114] | " Eight or late with a good excuse," she crooned, and popped a sweet in my mouth. |
| [02:06.677] | I arrived well after dark. |
| [02:09.733] | A smart woman opened the door. |
| [02:12.676] | " I couldn' t afford a bottle of wine," I said, " so I' ve drawn a picture of one on some cardboard." |
| [02:19.698] | I' d prepared for the party by eating half a jar of instant coffee I' d found in the bins at Sainsbury' s. |
| [02:26.082] | She took my cardboard and said, " That' s brilliant. Could I use you in a programme?" |
| [02:32.216] | When I asked her what sort of programme, she said, " I could make a whole series about the things people bring to parties." |
| [02:39.404] | " What do you do?" I said, thinking of the window at Dixons. |
| [02:44.181] | " My name' s Hosanna Bell. I work in the warm arts." |
| [02:49.844] | We stepped past Susie' s yachting gear, and into the dining room. |
| [02:53.907] | Seven people sat noisily round a large bowl of oysters, but Susie wasn' t a single one of them. |
| [03:00.498] | I thought I was at the wrong party, until they explained that the whole point was to be late, but with a good excuse. |
| [03:07.452] | " Why are you late?" they asked. |
| [03:10.665] | I said I' d had no money for a bottle of wine, |
| [03:13.201] | and the homeless bloke at the tube station who usually subs me a couple of quid because he says I look worse off than his dog, |
| [03:18.968] | was being mugged when I asked him this time and hadn' t given me a penny, |
| [03:22.282] | and then I' d got lost because I' d forgotten whether Susie' s house was directly opposite some trees, or directly opposite no trees at all. |
| [03:29.925] | Several conversations had started by the time I got to that bit. |
| [03:35.133] | Susie arrived with great squeals and kisses. |
| [03:38.659] | She revealed that she had spent the last three hours in bestial congress with a junior cabinet minister. |
| [03:45.145] | Gobs hung open, because everyone had thought he was gay, and several of them also knew that he was her half brother. |
| [03:52.688] | She wore a grin as big as a harbour. |
| [03:56.005] | " Do you think Clive is still coming?" said a sincere man in glasses, and the talk turned at once to his column. |
| [04:03.328] | Hosanna Bell said she had seen more truth in Clive' s writing, than the entire works of any writer she could think of. |
| [04:10.890] | A woman called Emma agreed" I' m still reeling. I don' t know whether to weep, laugh, throw up or hug everybody." |
| [04:19.268] | " That' s just your protein rush," observed a man called Paddy, pointing to the seventeen shells on her plate. |
| [04:26.522] | Emma touched his leg. |
| [04:29.000] | Paddy was Clive' s editor, and was busy milking the table, by mildly deprecating the praise for Clive' s column, so that people doubled it in protest. |
| [04:39.078] | He was just declaring that the columns would have to be polished up for the book, when swearing in the hall announced the arrival of Clive. |
| [04:50.102] | He looked a bit drunk, and seemed small with his coat off. |
| [04:54.527] | He said he was sorry he was late, but actually he didn' t give a . |
| [04:59.465] | Everyone laughed, except Paddy. |
| [05:03.164] | Susie said, " This brilliant man has asked me if you would all take it easy on the suicide questions tonight," and helped him liberally to bivalves. |
| [05:12.729] | We nodded, " of course," and I asked him if he thought oysters could commit suicide. |
| [05:18.394] | Susie glared at me. |
| [05:20.427] | I said I was just wondering if an oyster could make a decision like that, and if so how it would die, because it couldn' t really hang itself. |
| [05:28.773] | " Are you being weird or sarcastic?" said Emma. |
| [05:32.618] | I didn' t know because I get the two feelings mixed up. |
| [05:36.653] | She called me a plankton, and started telling Clive about the time she had cut her wrists. |
| [05:41.962] | " Look at my scars," she said. " They are beautiful, but not as beautiful as your columns." |
| [05:48.612] | For some reason, Clive looked at me as he said, " only the very ugly is truly beautiful. |
| [05:54.912] | And if the printed word has any meaning, then it must come from the very edge of ybumbooboo." |
| [06:02.088] | There were titters. |
| [06:04.091] | Paddy muttered something about Clive alienating his fans, but was cut off by Emma. |
| [06:09.149] | " No, Clive has every right to be drunk. You are in masses of pain, Clive, and you are doing it for us." |
| [06:17.177] | " Yes," agreed Hosanna. |
| [06:19.310] | Clive asked her what the hell she knew. |
| [06:22.202] | " In the warm arts, we' re strong on peoplehow," she said, |
| [06:26.681] | " and what you have done in volunteering to take your own life, Clive, is illuminate with poignant resonance, the selfdestructor in all of us." |
| [06:36.443] | There was a ripple of applause. |
| [06:39.006] | Clive, who had been sousing his oysters in vodka, and setting them alight before hurling them down his throat, |
| [06:45.141] | now added a cigarette to the turmoil, and belched the word " bollocks". |
| [06:50.259] | Paddy banged the table, and started telling Clive that if all he could do was get pissed, and shove drugs up his bum for the last twelve columns, then he would lose all his priceless empathy. |
| [07:01.937] | " This is the finest copy I' ve ever commissioned," he said, " and I' m not having it ruined by some jumpedup little floozy going all diddums." |
| [07:10.371] | A man called Stitt said that Paddy was threatening the purity of Clive' s columns. |
| [07:15.269] | " If he uses the bottle, then that should come through in his work." |
| [07:19.881] | " But he' ll end up writing about you lot," said Paddy. |
| [07:24.242] | Suddenly, all the guests were telling Clive about the time they' d nearly topped themselves. |
| [07:30.230] | Hosanna Bell described how she' d been suicidal for six months after giving birth, until she' d decided to sue her baby for what it had done to her figure. |
| [07:39.965] | Clive was insulting everyone and writing notes on his cuffs. |
| [07:43.792] | " Losers. Crap attempt," he shouted. " I want something that actually works." |
| [07:50.814] | Someone said hosepipes work. |
| [07:53.785] | Clive knew a bloke in the garden centre in Maidstone, who actually cuts them to length for your particular car. |
| [07:59.802] | He said the people carrierlength hose was the most popular. |
| [08:03.799] | " Wow," said Hosanna Bell, now also scribbling feverishly. |
| [08:08.563] | " So then, mister superstar," Paddy was saying, " what is the best way to kill yourself?" |
| [08:14.808] | Clive said that in fact the best way he knew, was to buy two hundred foot of nylon rope, |
| [08:20.364] | tie one end round your neck, the other round a lamppost, |
| [08:24.116] | and get into your car and floor the accelerator. |
| [08:28.274] | He said that' s how his great uncle had done it. |
| [08:31.622] | He' d made Clive help him. |
| [08:34.046] | He was just nine years old, |
| [08:36.703] | and he' d had to ride in the car and stop it crashing when his uncle' s head came off. |
| [08:41.839] | The blood had made the pedals very slippery. |
| [08:45.480] | Clive blinked, smarting eyes. |
| [08:48.679] | The table fell silent. |
| [08:51.877] | " Really?" said Paddy, genuinely shocked. |
| [08:56.553] | " Of course not, you moron," brayed Clive, and went on to explain that we were all idiots. |
| [09:01.605] | He could say anything and we' d lap it up, just because we thought his pain meant something. |
| [09:06.177] | Now we wouldn' t give him a second thought if he wasn' t going to kill himself, |
| [09:09.452] | except that actually, he wasn' t anyway, |
| [09:11.413] | because the whole thing was a hoax, and he was going to say so in his column next week. |
| [09:16.999] | Paddy erupted, and decked Clive with the oyster bowl. |
| [09:21.020] | Then he stood over him, roaring that this was his ing idea, |
| [09:24.301] | Clive had agreed to do it, and he wasn' t going to wriggle out of killing himself now, not now there was a book. |
| [09:31.712] | Clive crawled from the room. |
| [09:34.252] | The general opinion was that Clive had just treated us to his most savage and moving cry for help yet. |
| [09:41.285] | We had all underestimated his pain. |
| [09:45.478] | " I feel choked up now," said Emma, " but if I read about it next week, I' ll be crying for the rest of the year." |
| [09:53.240] | " Someone bring me a ing fag." Clive' s voice sounded glutinous. |
| [09:59.985] | Susie gestured to me, as everyone else was still debating the meaning of his actions. |
| [10:05.912] | He lay on the floor, two regurgitated oysters a tongue' s length from his leaking mouth, one of them still slightly alive. |
| [10:15.318] | His nose seemed a better place for the cigarette. |
| [10:19.969] | The caustic fumes revived him sharply, and he stumbled to his feet. |
| [10:25.000] | " I' m going out," he said. " I' m going to break into a car and drive around drunk until I crash." |
| [10:31.984] | As he lunged past me into the hall, his foot snagged on a rope among Susie' s boat bags, and he fell on the seagrass. |
| [10:40.395] | We both looked at the large coil of blue nylon. |
| [10:46.108] | " Are you good at knots?" he said. |
| [10:50.704] | Susie' s car keys were hanging by the front door. |
| [10:54.244] | " You might as well use the discovery," I said. " She' ll be so thrilled to have a new story." |
| [11:03.815] | About an hour later, I revealed that Clive hadn' t just gone for a walk, |
| [11:08.412] | he' d gone to divorce his head, and how I' d helped him with the keys and the knots. |
| [11:14.023] | I needed to go to sleep, and had correctly anticipated that Paddy would punch my lights out. |
| [00:00.289] | Susie and a thin man found me in the park. |
| [00:04.264] | I was walking slowly round the pond, and making the bones in my nose tickle by hooting. |
| [00:11.341] | Susie said my mother had tipped her off, after hearing my voice while throwing stones at the ducks. |
| [00:18.161] | I had been there a day and a half. |
| [00:21.297] | " It' s because of my job," I explained. |
| [00:24.548] | Susie looked doubtful. |
| [00:26.525] | " Batchtesting newage CDs." |
| [00:30.032] | " But Hal said he didn' t hire you in the end," she said. |
| [00:33.904] | " That would explain why he hasn' t paid me." |
| [00:37.182] | The thin man with Susie coughed up a small laugh, and spat it onto the ground. |
| [00:43.382] | " You' d better come to dinner on Saturday," she said. " Clive will be there too." |
| [00:48.083] | She squeezed the man' s arm. " Clive is the suicide journalist." |
| [00:55.003] | He was ghostly pale with black hair and a sad wit in his eyes. |
| [00:59.624] | I' d say he looked like John Cusack, if I could remember who the hell John Cusack was. |
| [01:06.119] | As he gazed moodily at the pond, Susie explained that Clive had announced in his weekly column that he had six months to live. |
| [01:14.470] | On April 15th, he would be committing suicide, and until then, he would write about how it felt to be staring death in the face. |
| [01:23.963] | Clive took out a notebook, and mumbled something about the blackness of a moorhen. |
| [01:30.334] | " D' you know what month it is now?" she asked. |
| [01:33.198] | I thought it might be Martober. |
| [01:36.433] | Susie dabbed a damp eye, and said that the suicide column was the saddest, funniest, most tragic and uplifting thing she' d ever read. |
| [01:45.341] | " He has just twelve weeks to go." |
| [01:49.519] | I looked across the pond and started honking again. |
| [01:54.207] | Susie turned to collect Clive, who was puffing on three cigarettes, and smirking at his notes. |
| [02:00.114] | " Eight or late with a good excuse," she crooned, and popped a sweet in my mouth. |
| [02:06.677] | I arrived well after dark. |
| [02:09.733] | A smart woman opened the door. |
| [02:12.676] | " I couldn' t afford a bottle of wine," I said, " so I' ve drawn a picture of one on some cardboard." |
| [02:19.698] | I' d prepared for the party by eating half a jar of instant coffee I' d found in the bins at Sainsbury' s. |
| [02:26.082] | She took my cardboard and said, " That' s brilliant. Could I use you in a programme?" |
| [02:32.216] | When I asked her what sort of programme, she said, " I could make a whole series about the things people bring to parties." |
| [02:39.404] | " What do you do?" I said, thinking of the window at Dixons. |
| [02:44.181] | " My name' s Hosanna Bell. I work in the warm arts." |
| [02:49.844] | We stepped past Susie' s yachting gear, and into the dining room. |
| [02:53.907] | Seven people sat noisily round a large bowl of oysters, but Susie wasn' t a single one of them. |
| [03:00.498] | I thought I was at the wrong party, until they explained that the whole point was to be late, but with a good excuse. |
| [03:07.452] | " Why are you late?" they asked. |
| [03:10.665] | I said I' d had no money for a bottle of wine, |
| [03:13.201] | and the homeless bloke at the tube station who usually subs me a couple of quid because he says I look worse off than his dog, |
| [03:18.968] | was being mugged when I asked him this time and hadn' t given me a penny, |
| [03:22.282] | and then I' d got lost because I' d forgotten whether Susie' s house was directly opposite some trees, or directly opposite no trees at all. |
| [03:29.925] | Several conversations had started by the time I got to that bit. |
| [03:35.133] | Susie arrived with great squeals and kisses. |
| [03:38.659] | She revealed that she had spent the last three hours in bestial congress with a junior cabinet minister. |
| [03:45.145] | Gobs hung open, because everyone had thought he was gay, and several of them also knew that he was her half brother. |
| [03:52.688] | She wore a grin as big as a harbour. |
| [03:56.005] | " Do you think Clive is still coming?" said a sincere man in glasses, and the talk turned at once to his column. |
| [04:03.328] | Hosanna Bell said she had seen more truth in Clive' s writing, than the entire works of any writer she could think of. |
| [04:10.890] | A woman called Emma agreed" I' m still reeling. I don' t know whether to weep, laugh, throw up or hug everybody." |
| [04:19.268] | " That' s just your protein rush," observed a man called Paddy, pointing to the seventeen shells on her plate. |
| [04:26.522] | Emma touched his leg. |
| [04:29.000] | Paddy was Clive' s editor, and was busy milking the table, by mildly deprecating the praise for Clive' s column, so that people doubled it in protest. |
| [04:39.078] | He was just declaring that the columns would have to be polished up for the book, when swearing in the hall announced the arrival of Clive. |
| [04:50.102] | He looked a bit drunk, and seemed small with his coat off. |
| [04:54.527] | He said he was sorry he was late, but actually he didn' t give a . |
| [04:59.465] | Everyone laughed, except Paddy. |
| [05:03.164] | Susie said, " This brilliant man has asked me if you would all take it easy on the suicide questions tonight," and helped him liberally to bivalves. |
| [05:12.729] | We nodded, " of course," and I asked him if he thought oysters could commit suicide. |
| [05:18.394] | Susie glared at me. |
| [05:20.427] | I said I was just wondering if an oyster could make a decision like that, and if so how it would die, because it couldn' t really hang itself. |
| [05:28.773] | " Are you being weird or sarcastic?" said Emma. |
| [05:32.618] | I didn' t know because I get the two feelings mixed up. |
| [05:36.653] | She called me a plankton, and started telling Clive about the time she had cut her wrists. |
| [05:41.962] | " Look at my scars," she said. " They are beautiful, but not as beautiful as your columns." |
| [05:48.612] | For some reason, Clive looked at me as he said, " only the very ugly is truly beautiful. |
| [05:54.912] | And if the printed word has any meaning, then it must come from the very edge of ybumbooboo." |
| [06:02.088] | There were titters. |
| [06:04.091] | Paddy muttered something about Clive alienating his fans, but was cut off by Emma. |
| [06:09.149] | " No, Clive has every right to be drunk. You are in masses of pain, Clive, and you are doing it for us." |
| [06:17.177] | " Yes," agreed Hosanna. |
| [06:19.310] | Clive asked her what the hell she knew. |
| [06:22.202] | " In the warm arts, we' re strong on peoplehow," she said, |
| [06:26.681] | " and what you have done in volunteering to take your own life, Clive, is illuminate with poignant resonance, the selfdestructor in all of us." |
| [06:36.443] | There was a ripple of applause. |
| [06:39.006] | Clive, who had been sousing his oysters in vodka, and setting them alight before hurling them down his throat, |
| [06:45.141] | now added a cigarette to the turmoil, and belched the word " bollocks". |
| [06:50.259] | Paddy banged the table, and started telling Clive that if all he could do was get pissed, and shove drugs up his bum for the last twelve columns, then he would lose all his priceless empathy. |
| [07:01.937] | " This is the finest copy I' ve ever commissioned," he said, " and I' m not having it ruined by some jumpedup little floozy going all diddums." |
| [07:10.371] | A man called Stitt said that Paddy was threatening the purity of Clive' s columns. |
| [07:15.269] | " If he uses the bottle, then that should come through in his work." |
| [07:19.881] | " But he' ll end up writing about you lot," said Paddy. |
| [07:24.242] | Suddenly, all the guests were telling Clive about the time they' d nearly topped themselves. |
| [07:30.230] | Hosanna Bell described how she' d been suicidal for six months after giving birth, until she' d decided to sue her baby for what it had done to her figure. |
| [07:39.965] | Clive was insulting everyone and writing notes on his cuffs. |
| [07:43.792] | " Losers. Crap attempt," he shouted. " I want something that actually works." |
| [07:50.814] | Someone said hosepipes work. |
| [07:53.785] | Clive knew a bloke in the garden centre in Maidstone, who actually cuts them to length for your particular car. |
| [07:59.802] | He said the people carrierlength hose was the most popular. |
| [08:03.799] | " Wow," said Hosanna Bell, now also scribbling feverishly. |
| [08:08.563] | " So then, mister superstar," Paddy was saying, " what is the best way to kill yourself?" |
| [08:14.808] | Clive said that in fact the best way he knew, was to buy two hundred foot of nylon rope, |
| [08:20.364] | tie one end round your neck, the other round a lamppost, |
| [08:24.116] | and get into your car and floor the accelerator. |
| [08:28.274] | He said that' s how his great uncle had done it. |
| [08:31.622] | He' d made Clive help him. |
| [08:34.046] | He was just nine years old, |
| [08:36.703] | and he' d had to ride in the car and stop it crashing when his uncle' s head came off. |
| [08:41.839] | The blood had made the pedals very slippery. |
| [08:45.480] | Clive blinked, smarting eyes. |
| [08:48.679] | The table fell silent. |
| [08:51.877] | " Really?" said Paddy, genuinely shocked. |
| [08:56.553] | " Of course not, you moron," brayed Clive, and went on to explain that we were all idiots. |
| [09:01.605] | He could say anything and we' d lap it up, just because we thought his pain meant something. |
| [09:06.177] | Now we wouldn' t give him a second thought if he wasn' t going to kill himself, |
| [09:09.452] | except that actually, he wasn' t anyway, |
| [09:11.413] | because the whole thing was a hoax, and he was going to say so in his column next week. |
| [09:16.999] | Paddy erupted, and decked Clive with the oyster bowl. |
| [09:21.020] | Then he stood over him, roaring that this was his ing idea, |
| [09:24.301] | Clive had agreed to do it, and he wasn' t going to wriggle out of killing himself now, not now there was a book. |
| [09:31.712] | Clive crawled from the room. |
| [09:34.252] | The general opinion was that Clive had just treated us to his most savage and moving cry for help yet. |
| [09:41.285] | We had all underestimated his pain. |
| [09:45.478] | " I feel choked up now," said Emma, " but if I read about it next week, I' ll be crying for the rest of the year." |
| [09:53.240] | " Someone bring me a ing fag." Clive' s voice sounded glutinous. |
| [09:59.985] | Susie gestured to me, as everyone else was still debating the meaning of his actions. |
| [10:05.912] | He lay on the floor, two regurgitated oysters a tongue' s length from his leaking mouth, one of them still slightly alive. |
| [10:15.318] | His nose seemed a better place for the cigarette. |
| [10:19.969] | The caustic fumes revived him sharply, and he stumbled to his feet. |
| [10:25.000] | " I' m going out," he said. " I' m going to break into a car and drive around drunk until I crash." |
| [10:31.984] | As he lunged past me into the hall, his foot snagged on a rope among Susie' s boat bags, and he fell on the seagrass. |
| [10:40.395] | We both looked at the large coil of blue nylon. |
| [10:46.108] | " Are you good at knots?" he said. |
| [10:50.704] | Susie' s car keys were hanging by the front door. |
| [10:54.244] | " You might as well use the discovery," I said. " She' ll be so thrilled to have a new story." |
| [11:03.815] | About an hour later, I revealed that Clive hadn' t just gone for a walk, |
| [11:08.412] | he' d gone to divorce his head, and how I' d helped him with the keys and the knots. |
| [11:14.023] | I needed to go to sleep, and had correctly anticipated that Paddy would punch my lights out. |
| [00:00.289] | 苏茜和一个瘦男人在公园里找到了我。 |
| [00:04.264] | 当时我正慢慢地绕着池塘走，一边呜呜叫，让鼻子里的骨头发痒。 |
| [00:11.341] | 苏茜说我母亲在朝鸭子扔石头的时候听到了我的声音，就给她报了信。 |
| [00:18.161] | 我已经在那里待了一天半。 |
| [00:21.297] | “是因为我的工作，”我解释道。 |
| [00:24.548] | 苏茜一脸怀疑。 |
| [00:26.525] | “批量检测新世纪音乐CD。” |
| [00:30.032] | “可是哈尔说他最后并没有雇你，”她说。 |
| [00:33.904] | “这就解释了为什么他还没付钱给我。” |
| [00:37.182] | 苏茜身边的瘦男人咳出一声窃笑，然后把它吐到了地上。 |
| [00:43.382] | “你周六最好来吃晚饭，”她说，“克莱夫也会来。” |
| [00:48.083] | 她捏了捏那男人的胳膊。“克莱夫是自杀记者。” |
| [00:55.003] | 他肤色苍白，黑头发，眼里有一种悲伤的智慧。 |
| [00:59.624] | 我会说他长得像约翰·库萨克，如果我还记得约翰·库萨克是哪个家伙的话。 |
| [01:06.119] | 当他忧郁地凝视着池塘时，苏茜解释说，克莱夫之前在他的每周专栏里宣布自己还剩六个月时间可活。 |
| [01:14.470] | 到了4月15日那天，他将会自杀，而在那之前，他会把直面死亡时的感受记录下来。 |
| [01:23.963] | 克莱夫掏出一本笔记本，嘴里咕哝着什么黑水鸡的黑。 |
| [01:30.334] | “你知道现在是几月份吗？”她问道。 |
| [01:33.198] | 我觉得大概是三十月。 |
| [01:36.433] | 苏茜擦了擦湿漉漉的眼睛，说那个自杀专栏是她读过的最伤心、最搞笑、最悲惨又最振奋人心的东西。 |
| [01:45.341] | “他就剩下十二周了。” |
| [01:49.519] | 我望着池塘，又开始嗷嗷叫起来。 |
| [01:54.207] | 苏茜转身去接克莱夫，他正叼着三根烟，对着自己的笔记洋洋得意。 |
| [02:00.114] | “八点到，迟点也行，只要有个好理由，”她轻声说着，往我嘴里塞了颗糖。 |
| [02:06.677] | 我天黑后很久才到。 |
| [02:09.733] | 一个衣冠楚楚的女人开了门。 |
| [02:12.676] | “我买不起酒，”我说，“所以我就在硬纸板上画了一瓶出来。” |
| [02:19.698] | 为了准备这场聚会，我吃掉了从森宝利超市垃圾桶里捡来的半罐速溶咖啡。 |
| [02:26.082] | 她接过硬纸板说：“太棒了。我能在节目里用你吗？” |
| [02:32.216] | 我问她是什么节目，她说：“我可以制作一整套系列节目，讲人们带到聚会上的各种东西。” |
| [02:39.404] | “你是做什么的？”我说，心里想着迪克森零售店的橱窗。 |
| [02:44.181] | “我叫霍桑娜·贝尔。我从事温艺领域。” |
| [02:49.844] | 我们踏过苏茜的帆船装备，走进了餐厅。 |
| [02:53.907] | 七个人正围坐在一大盘牡蛎旁喧闹不已，但其中不见苏茜的踪影。 |
| [03:00.498] | 我以为自己来错了聚会，直到他们解释说这里讲求的就是迟到，但要有个好的理由。 |
| [03:07.452] | “你为什么迟到？”他们问。 |
| [03:10.665] | 我说我没有钱买酒， |
| [03:13.201] | 地铁站的那个流浪老哥说我的样子比他的狗还寒碜，所以平时会借给我几镑钱， |
| [03:18.968] | 但这次我问他讨的时候，他正好被抢劫了，到最后一分钱都没给我， |
| [03:22.282] | 然后我又迷了路，因为我忘了苏茜家到底是在几棵树的正对面，还是在一棵树也没有的正对面。 |
| [03:29.925] | 等我讲到那部分时，大家已经开始各聊各的了。 |
| [03:35.133] | 苏茜伴着热烈的尖叫与亲吻来到了现场。 |
| [03:38.659] | 她透露说自己刚刚与一位初级内阁大臣进行了三个小时的兽性交合。 |
| [03:45.145] | 众人的嘴张得老大，因为大家都以为他是同性恋，有的人还知道他算是她的半个兄弟。 |
| [03:52.688] | 她脸上的笑容如同港口一般宽广。 |
| [03:56.005] | “你觉得克莱夫还会来吗？”一个戴眼镜的实诚人说道，话题便立刻转向了他的专栏。 |
| [04:03.328] | 霍桑娜·贝尔说她在克莱夫的文章里看到的真理，比她所能想到的任何作家的全部作品中的还要多。 |
| [04:10.890] | 一个名叫艾玛的女人赞同道：“我的头还在发昏。我都不知道是该哭、该笑、该呕吐还是该拥抱每个人。” |
| [04:19.268] | “你那是蛋白质上头了，”一个名叫帕迪的男人说，指了指她碟子里的十七个牡蛎壳。 |
| [04:26.522] | 艾玛摸了摸他的腿。 |
| [04:29.000] | 帕迪是克莱夫的编辑，他忙着从这桌人身上榨取，通过略微贬低众人对克莱夫专栏的赞美，惹得他们赞美得更加起劲。 |
| [04:39.078] | 他正宣布要对专栏进行润色来为出书做准备，这时门厅里传来一阵咒骂声，宣示着克莱夫的到来。 |
| [04:50.102] | 他看起来有点醉，没穿外套的样子显得矮小。 |
| [04:54.527] | 他说很抱歉自己迟到了，但其实他屁都不在乎。 |
| [04:59.465] | 大家都笑了，除了帕迪。 |
| [05:03.164] | 苏茜说：“这位才子问过我，今晚各位能否少问些有关自杀的问题，”然后慷慨地请他吃双壳贝类。 |
| [05:12.729] | 我们点头说：“当然，”我便问他是否认为牡蛎会自杀。 |
| [05:18.394] | 苏茜狠狠地瞪着我。 |
| [05:20.427] | 我说我只是想知道牡蛎能否做出这样的决定，如果能，它又会如何死去，毕竟它没法真的把自己吊死。 |
| [05:28.773] | “你这是在装怪还是嘲讽？”艾玛说。 |
| [05:32.618] | 我不知道，因为我总是分不清这两种感觉。 |
| [05:36.653] | 她骂我是浮游生物，接着对克莱夫讲起她那次割腕的经历。 |
| [05:41.962] | “瞧瞧我的疤，”她说，“它们美极了，但还是不如你的专栏美。” |
| [05:48.612] | 不知何故，克莱夫看着我说道：“只有十足的丑陋才是真正的美。 |
| [05:54.912] | 倘若印刷文字具有任何的含义，那么它必然来自于最边缘的操鸡屁痛痛。” |
| [06:02.088] | 有人偷笑了起来。 |
| [06:04.091] | 帕迪嘟囔着说什么克莱夫疏远了自己的粉丝，但被艾玛打断。 |
| [06:09.149] | “不，克莱夫完全有权利喝醉。你在承受巨大的痛苦，克莱夫，而你这样做是为了我们。” |
| [06:17.177] | “没错，”霍桑娜赞同道。 |
| [06:19.310] | 克莱夫问她懂些什么玩意儿。 |
| [06:22.202] | “在温艺领域，我们精通人事，”她说， |
| [06:26.681] | “而你自愿结束自己生命的这一行为，克莱夫，它通过辛酸的共鸣，揭示了我们每个人心中的自毁倾向。” |
| [06:36.443] | 随后响起一阵掌声。 |
| [06:39.006] | 克莱夫正把牡蛎浸泡在伏特加里，将它们点燃后一口吞下， |
| [06:45.141] | 现在他又添了一根烟乱上加乱，打着嗝说出一句“胡扯”。 |
| [06:50.259] | 帕迪猛地拍了一下桌子，并告诉克莱夫，要是他在最后十二篇专栏里只会喝得烂醉和往屁股里嗑药，那么他就会失去所有无价的同情。 |
| [07:01.937] | “这是我委托过的最优秀的本子，”他说，“我可不能让它被某些自视甚高的轻佻小娘们儿玻璃心泛滥给毁了。” |
| [07:10.371] | 一个名叫斯蒂特的男人说，帕迪威胁到了克莱夫专栏的纯洁性。 |
| [07:15.269] | “如果他用到了酒瓶，那么这应当在他的作品里体现出来。” |
| [07:19.881] | “但这样下去他会把你们都写进去，”帕迪说。 |
| [07:24.242] | 突然间，所有宾客都开始向克莱夫讲述他们差点干掉自己的经历。 |
| [07:30.230] | 霍桑娜·贝尔描述了她在生完孩子后的六个月里是如何的想不开，最后她决定起诉自己的孩子毁了她的身材。 |
| [07:39.965] | 克莱夫一边辱骂着大家，一边在袖口上记笔记。 |
| [07:43.792] | “一群废物。垃圾尝试，”他嚷道，“我要的是真正可行的方法。” |
| [07:50.814] | 有人说软管可行。 |
| [07:53.785] | 克莱夫在梅德斯通的花园中心认识一个伙计，他可以根据具体车型将其切成相应的长度。 |
| [07:59.802] | 他说，休旅车那种长度的管子是最受欢迎的。 |
| [08:03.799] | “哇，”霍桑娜·贝尔说，此刻也开始奋笔疾书。 |
| [08:08.563] | “那么，大明星先生，”帕迪说道，“什么才是最佳的自杀方法？” |
| [08:14.808] | 克莱夫说，他所知道的最佳方法，是买来两百英尺长的尼龙绳， |
| [08:20.364] | 一端系住脖子，另一端系在路灯柱上， |
| [08:24.116] | 然后坐进车里，把油门踩到底。 |
| [08:28.274] | 他说他的叔公就是这样做的。 |
| [08:31.622] | 他让克莱夫搭把手。 |
| [08:34.046] | 当时他才九岁， |
| [08:36.703] | 他必须坐在车里，以防车在叔公掉头的时候被撞坏。 |
| [08:41.839] | 踏板沾了血后变得特别滑。 |
| [08:45.480] | 克莱夫眨了眨刺痛的双眼。 |
| [08:48.679] | 餐桌上顿时鸦雀无声。 |
| [08:51.877] | “真的吗？”帕迪着实震惊地说。 |
| [08:56.553] | “当然不是，你个傻冒，”克莱夫吼道，接着解释说我们全是一帮白痴。 |
| [09:01.605] | 他说什么我们都会照单全收，只因我们觉得他的痛苦是有深意的。 |
| [09:06.177] | 现在如果他不是要自杀，我们根本不会多看他一眼， |
| [09:09.452] | 然而事实上，他本来就没这个打算， |
| [09:11.413] | 因为这整件事就是一场骗局，他也将在下周的专栏里如此声明。 |
| [09:16.999] | 帕迪勃然大怒，端起牡蛎盘朝克莱夫砸去。 |
| [09:21.020] | 然后他站到他面前，咆哮着说这一切都是他的主意， |
| [09:24.301] | 克莱夫已经同意这么做了，如今他休想逃避自杀的结局，更别说还有本书要出。 |
| [09:31.712] | 克莱夫从房间里爬了出去。 |
| [09:34.252] | 众人普遍认为，克莱夫刚刚向我们发出了他迄今为止最强烈、最感人的求救呼声。 |
| [09:41.285] | 我们都低估了他的痛苦。 |
| [09:45.478] | “我现在感觉哽咽了，”艾玛说，“但要是下周我读到这些，我会哭上一整年的。” |
| [09:53.240] | “来人给我一根烟。”克莱夫的声音听着黏糊糊的。 |
| [09:59.985] | 苏茜向我做了个手势，同时其他人还在争论他的行为意味着什么。 |
| [10:05.912] | 他躺在地板上，呕出来的两只牡蛎离他流涎的嘴巴有一根舌头的距离，其中一只还有点生命迹象。 |
| [10:15.318] | 他的鼻子似乎才是适合叼烟的位置。 |
| [10:19.969] | 刺鼻的烟气让他瞬间清醒，他踉跄着站了起来。 |
| [10:25.000] | “我要到外面去，”他说，“我要去撬辆车到处醉驾，一直开到撞出车祸。” |
| [10:31.984] | 他猛地从我身旁冲进门厅，却在苏茜的船包堆里被一根绳子绊住了脚，摔倒在海草上。 |
| [10:40.395] | 我们俩都看向了那一大卷蓝色尼龙绳。 |
| [10:46.108] | “你擅长打结吗？”他说。 |
| [10:50.704] | 苏茜的车钥匙在正门上挂着。 |
| [10:54.244] | “你不妨再用上这个，”我说，“她会很兴奋能有个新的故事可讲。” |
| [11:03.815] | 大约一个小时后，我透露说克莱夫并非只是出去散了个步。 |
| [11:08.412] | 他是去跟自己的脑袋分别了，而我用钥匙和绳结帮了他一把。 |
| [11:14.023] | 我需要去睡一觉，并且也准确预见到帕迪会把我揍得不省人事。 |
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